That knocked the pause right out of me...the pause being the well of emotion waiting to spill over.
My Pappaw went "home" yesterday afternoon. The only home I've ever known him to have was the one right across the yard from mine. His earthly home was the extension of my home growing up. His new home is away from this earth, away from any pain or suffering. It's where his body is healed and his mind is too. He has been welcomed into his heavenly home - the one we're all meant for.
My John said something else to me yesterday when I told him Pappaw Worley went to heaven to be with God and Jesus. I said that Granny and Pappaw (my deddy) were really sad. He responded matter of fact to that with, "why are they sad?" Because I had said heaven and in his 4 year old perception of heaven - he couldn't understand why they were sad he'd gone there. I just simply said because they were going to miss him and it's ok for people to be a little sad when someone goes to heaven.
I have to thank John for saying that because it's true. Heaven is a wonderful place, far better than we know - so while it's understandable to be sad, it's also ok to feel the blessing when someone finally gets there. And beyond the sadness of my Pappaw being gone I can enjoy thinking about the memories I have of him. Counting the blessing that he got to live a long long time. Counting the blessing that while he may no longer be here, the memories are.
When I think beyond my sadness and the heartache I feel most for my granny and my deddy right now, I think of the picture I have in my heart of my Pappaw. My memory is etched with one of him sitting arms folded across his belly, hat perched 'just so' on top of his head and that slight smile (or smirk) spread across his face. It's me walking up on the porch and him leaning to the side, pointing beyond me and telling me about what the birds have been out doing in the birdbath or how much they've been eating off one of his bird feeders. It's him maybe fussing a lil' at my granny making sure those feeders are stocked and has she checked them lately. It's him asking for another bottle of water from the fridge and me (per his instructions) refilling the one he's just finished.
I think of a childhood peppered with memories of my Pappaw if I dig back further. As I said, their home, an extension of mine - 3270 and 3280 were one in the same in my child's mind. The yard in between may as well have just been a hallway connecting the two. I laugh now at how cantankerous some memories are of my Pappaw are. He was ornery but it didn't discourage me at all :) I'd pop right in on the porch jabbering about something & he'd usually just cut me off with, "your granny's inside." I don't have many memories that don't include him asking where my deddy was, if he was home yet and what was he doing. If I reported that he was home, didn't matter what I said he was doing, my Pappaw had better ideas of what he could get him busy with and off he usually went to assign more worthy tasks. To be fair, my deddy often wanted the report of what my Pappaw was up to when he got home too - guess he wanted a heads up of what he might be in for :)
I can also vividly see my Pappaw sitting on his stool at the end of the kitchen counter eating. I can recall he & my granny often worrying that I was going to eat all their food and shouldn't I "get back on across the yard." In the hours up to dinner time, I remember Judge Wapner's voice booming through the house or up from the basement. If I walked in during the middle of "the case", Pappaw would make sure to bring me up to speed of what great injustice the judge was having to hear about today. The funny about that is to even let my Pappaw know I was in the room, I had to either tap him on the shoulder or go stand in front of him - he liked the TV loud :)
If he wasn't at their house, I could always find my Pappaw up moseying behind the barn. There was lots to do up there. Feeding his dogs, tending to the rabbits or checking his garden - there are vivid memories of him, shirt off, bent over, sweating from all his hard work to produce his bounteous garden. If there were new baby anythings up there - he was there a lot. For the puppies, he would make sure they and the mama dog were "set up" with their shavings and a light for warmth in the lil' kennel separate from the dog lots. Although proud of his puppies, he would constantly fuss at me not to mess with them too much saying, "you'll ruin 'em". I don't think I ever "ruined" any of them, whatever that meant :) "Behind the barn," "in the garden", "messin' in the dog lots" - common replies to what my Pappaw may have been up to on any given day.
Years ago, when he was still driving, my Pappaw spent lots of time out & about. I recall he spent a lot of time up at Bob Jones's and I remember asking my Granny about that one day and I think the answer I got included "old men" and "just sitting around." Didn't sound like much fun but he sure went there a lot. What always did sound fun to me was "the sale" he went to on Wednesdays (if I recall correct). "The sale" was the stock sale - like a farm animal/flea market event. I don't recall where it was, but in my mind it was a big outing and I was always asking him to take me. I recall one time he did - he may have regretted it and maybe there was only the 1 time, but I remember it. I remember riding in the truck, proudly walking around the sale with Pappaw and on the ride home cradling a lil' plastic treasure box he'd bought me :). It was purple, had a lock & key and was the highlight of the day.
If I dig way back in my memory bank, I can remember Pappaw in his blue work shirt, his name on the front. All I can really say about that is that I think in his years out at Wake Forest lots of kittens found new homes and a large inventory including silverware, rugs, etc may have gone unaccounted for.
The by and large of my memories of my Pappaw are linked to my Granny. Granny & Pappaw - those words forever etched together in my heart. I find it hard to imagine one without the other. In October of 2009, I wrote this about them when my Granny was in the hospital and my mom told me how my Pappaw was wanting to get there to see "that girl" -
"...one of the sweetest things I've ever heard about 2 of the turdiest, hard-headed people I've ever known. God love them :)"
There's never been anything cuddly or sweet about my Granny & Pappaw - spitfire, hard-headed, pistols - those are more the kind of words that come to mind when I think of them.
(going on to say)
...what makes this story sweet is that 4 children, a lifetime of experiences, good times, bad times, sickness & health - all that living & they're still taking care of each other. My granny's by far the more physically able - but my Pappaw's anxiousness to get to "that girl"...they're forever linked in this life, both still needing each other so much. Her tear-filled eyes at the sight of him, she needs him as much as he needs her...
I cry reading that now. I know my granny still needs my Pappaw. That even though his physical body is gone, his spirit will continue to permeate her soul. I pray that she finds peace in remembering the life they shared and takes heart in knowing that he needed her right up until the last breath. She was everything she could be for him and God knows that more than anyone. I pray that she finds peace in knowing that at this point, God needed him more. He wanted to heal his son, to give his body & his mind the rest it so needed. God knows that my Granny needs peace too. He knows her heart is broken right now, but I believe He has more planned for her in her time here. Continuing to be the amazing sister, mother, grandmother, great grandmother - most of all friend, God wants her to have time to continue to be all those.
I read a verse shortly after hearing of his passing. It was Isaiah 26:4, Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.
I trust the Lord knows our pain. He knows the loss felt. He knows the brokenness in our hearts and the tears that have to fall. He knows all of this and He bears our pain with us.
The Lord knew that my Pappaw needed to come "home". His earthly body was tired and the life eternal was the only way to heal his brokenness. In the days ahead, I pray God will continue to draw us close to feel His promises...giving us peace that after "the rain", He will faithfully send his "rainbow."
We don't have to like the rain (like my John says), but we can still look forward to the rainbow...
I love you Pappaw.
