I write because (1) I know down the road these words will lend a comforting nostalgia for my family -and- (2) I don't want to implode - when the cup is this full, I can either tip it or wait for it to spill. I have toddlers, so I avoid messes whenever possible...
Well, the last week has been hard, harder and devastating. Per the last time I wrote, (Salem being "not right"), we ended up making back to back trips to the vet on Monday & Tuesday, finally ending up at the animal hospital in Cary Saturday morning. We went from "not right" to looking at her and holding her as if we may be seeing her last breaths.
The hard...we got an "autoimmune disease" diagnosis initially, some prednisone, followed by what seemed like a pretty fast response - she looked/seemed more "like herself." By Saturday morning that all was a distant memory - she was listless, panting and barely opening her eyes. She was stabilized at the animal hospital over the weekend while we waited for the internal medicine folks to return on Monday and run more extensive scans & test.
The harder...going the whole weekend without our 1st baby. Being a part from her, missing her presence and being unable to stop imagining that we may never get our "same" back. Her at our feet, greeting us at the door, her sighs, her nuzzling up against us - her presence, bigger than I think we ever realized.
The devastating...waiting on the call yesterday, knowing in our hearts, the way you "just know" that the news couldn't be good. Jumping when I heard my phone ring, inhaling big because I knew news was coming, hearing that most-dreaded "c" word and then just weeping. Oh there were other words like lymphoma, untreatable, weeks (maybe months, but not likely) and chemo. The most important ones were "when can we bring her home?"
When Seth arrived with her yesterday evening and she came bounding in the door, there was more weeping. Minus the wonky haircut/shaving she received over the weekend - that back end was waggling and that lil' nub was just a wiggling. Her eyes were bright, her cheek was soft - she nuzzled right up against my shoulder just as she always has.
As I held her, as I've continued to hold her, I cannot imagine the sickness that's permeating through her body. I have thoughts of super hero just "pulling" it from her and casting it as far away as I can. Damn cancer - I hate hate hate hate hate it. I told Seth's mom last week, something about mean dogs getting sick, not dogs like Salem. She asked if that would make a difference and of course in the state I'm in, yes - it absolutely wood (foolish, I know). Good people, good dogs - good souls...I hate cancer.
So there's my selfish. I think I speak for Seth & I both - we want more time with her. We want to be out of this d&*$ apartment (at this moment, it is the d^&$ apartment) somewhere there's a yard she can just roam in like she always did at the house. A space that's free and big. We want to think that one day many many many years from now that she'll find a shade spot under a tree, on a beautiful & bright sunny day, lay down to rest and just pass peacefully from old age. No sickness wearing her away from the inside, no stinkin' apartment - we just want more time. We want our own "happy ending" for her. I feel like Ella, "I want, I want, I want." As I said, this is the selfish part.
And yes we are thankful - we're trying to immerse ourselves in the present. I know as time goes on, our sadness and missing will be flanked with memories, pictures, videos. As I said, we're thankful but the other emotions are just a lil' heavier in this moment.
My mom echoed some words to me yesterday that sounded familiar - I think I echoed similar ones when my Pappaw passed. Being a person of faith, there's a certain peace that is afforded amidst any tragedy or hardship. Peace doesn't equal a free pass, however, you still have to wear the heartache and the sadness - you just know God won't leave you in it.
So the sadness - it's the heaviest right now. It's the cry on a dime, it's the knots in the stomach, the numb feeling - "is the world really still moving" feeling. It's the knowing how "borrowed" our time is with Salem - that the days are surely numbered. It's the helpless of not being able to fix what's broken. Ultimately, for me, it's the thought that keeps spinning over & over in my mind & my heart. The notion that got me through the turmoil of leaving my job, the rigamarole of selling a house - the general hardness & challenges throughout 2012 - nothing was changing that REALLY MATTERED. All those changes were ok because that was the one, residing truth.
That is not the case right now - Salem matters, she always has. This family has a mom, a dad, a son, a daughter and our dog. The Fab 5-ness of our lil' crew is great - it's "us" - no more, no less. It's the comfort of knowing even when the world falls away, things come & go, we have each other. Alongside us in most that we do - from meals shared, playing on the floor, running around outside, sitting together, knee-to-knee for our nightly prayers - sae sae is part of all that.
(sigh)...(few more sighs)...
Salem's laying here beside me, as she does most mornings. She just sighed too. Mimi's always said she's a person and I truly believe that now. She's been looking pleadingly into our eyes with that chin up to further her point. I like to think she's telling us, "it's ok....it's ok." I think she's happy to be home, God knows we're happy to have her back for however long this may be. The tears will keep falling, I know that too - the well feels boundless right now.
We've received so much love, support, encouragement and prayers - it has lifted us in ways I can't explain. Seth & I are pretty private folks for the most part but God has certainly pushed us towards "community" in the last year in many ways. We are thankful for that and we certainly feel less alone because of it. I have a good friend from church who's a photographer - she's coming this evening to take some "family photos" for us. I think it will be a blessing to have this moment to look back on in pictures.
There's no good segue-way to share something else that's heavy on my heart. This showed up on my FB timeline on Saturday evening (like that day hadn't been long enough)...
At 2:40am this morning our sweet Daisy went to be with Jesus. She was sleeping and in no pain. Christ is with us as the God of all comfort. We are thankful.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)
Daisy believed this and so do we. More than ever.
Love,
The Merricks
(no words - just more tears)
So I guess it's fair to say that amidst my grief about Salem, I couldn't help but look on at my babies playing in the bathtub moments after reading that and my heart saying, "thank you God - thank you that it's not them."
As I said, there's some thankful in there it's just flanked with a deep, deep sadness all around. Sadness heaped on sadness. I know God will not leave us under this heavy "blanket" - I know the days are numbered on all of it. In His time, by His will and with His grace - those are the quiet embers of peace that burn underneath it all.
Part of my "stink" last week was changing the pace, management of my time during the days. Since that declaration, I've been working my way through the book of Isaiah. Boy, was God angry throughout that one. I feel angry right now, but nothing like that. The moreover are the words that knocked me over the head about halfway through - God doesn't take to nudging with me - He definitely takes a more "pull the rug out", "knock her in the head" approach - He is the ultimate 'word Ninja'-
From Isaiah 30:15, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."
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Yes, God - I want heaps of all that...repentance, rest, quietness & trust, so that I may feel the salvation & the strength. I understand what's required of me...
And even though it's a lot of angry God, I also think I was meant to read it for this -
Isaiah 33:2, "O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."
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Yes Lord, I need to feel your grace, be infused with your strength and trust your sovereignty, especially in a time such as this...
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♥
