♥
I asked her what she planned to do with her life & she said she was way beyond that point already. I'm just happy I remember to be there when it happens she said. (story people)
This is going to be one of those "just start typing, just start typing" posts (forewarning).
(big sigh) (glance out the window) (another sigh)
The above Story People sums up much right now. With each day we're afforded, I learn more and more to embrace that kind of 'life plan.' More out of necessity than choice, if I'm being honest. The vanity in trying to live any other way hits hard & fast. There's enough up & down in life that I try & keep as much 'hard & fast' at bay as possible.
Lil' fish, bubba, John Tyson, firstborn, favorite son - he turned 5 last week. A whole handful when asked how old he is now. This dizzies me. We watched his birth video on his birthday after he went to bed - I sobbed immediately - I'm sure my cry face was wretched. How did we get here so fast?
We went to 'big school' yesterday for his assessment and to meet the principal. As I sat on the other side of the cracked door as he was 'assessed' and listened in, my heart smiled that proud smile that mamas do. Hearing his lil' banter and then getting to hear the principal 'gush' on what a delight he was and praise 'the job' Seth & I are doing in raising him - one of those 'pat on the back' life moments that just fills your heart & bolsters your spirit.
We've gotten lots of assurance on his readiness for 'big school' - he's not the one I'm (per say) worried about. I'm not worried about us either, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm bracing myself for this next chapter. That we're even to that part of the 'book' is something I'm still wrestling to get my mind around.
That boy's heart, faith & spirit are just amazing to us - I think I'm bracing a little that the world won't chip away at all that goodness. The aforementioned 'job' we were praised for, I know it only gets more challenging and complicated going forward - that's why I'm bracing & praying interchangeably.
(more sighing)
We miss our dog - all this sighing really makes me think of her. She was always here to sigh along with me. Seth told me once that the mechanics of sighing were really more about finding a good, deep breath. My theory is that my heart's expanding at a rate my breath can't hold, thus it comes out in a big heaping sigh. Yeah, Salem was the ultimate 'sigher' - she'd do so with her whole body. Whatever her reason, I'm sure it brought 'relief' in some form. I miss her. I was bee-bopping around the other morning & found myself talking aloud and looked down beside me expecting to see her head upturned at me with those good 'listening ears'. That put pause in all my bee-bopping and chatter and just made me real sad for a moment. In that moment, I'd forgotten or maybe remembered, and there I was all alone in the great sadness of it. We miss our dog.
Guess I should go ahead and point out the 'elephant' in the room, rather overhead. I think he's 18 mos old and moved in a few weeks ago. He begins his day around 5:40am and usually wraps up about 9:30 at night. He and his elephant family sound like the 'dawn patrol' from jungle book at regular intervals throughout the day. All the thundering is a harsh reminder that 7 mos later, we're still in this d#$% apartment. Our desire and urgency to remedy our disenchantment here is bolstered by all this thunder.
(negative Nelly taking a 'not going there' pause - also trying to seek a quiet spot to think)
The title of this post, a sentiment borrowed from p.simon's 'learn how to fall'. The laugh rather than cry at that is we're definitely in the throes of a 'learning season' right now. We don't know how long this season will last and we're trying to 'drift in the breeze' as much as possible - clinging to a 'happy to be here' mantra (the here being relative, the 'happy' being forced at times). All that said, we're praying hard and hoping with all our hearts that we'll be ready to 'set our sails' soon. The horizon has promise and we're hoping to get to a place where the 'weather suits our clothes' so to speak. I know this all sounds cryptic, but it's more for the book than anyone else's understanding for now.
Some tidbits as I look around this morning, some points of light, some reminders that our who/why remain in spite of place/circumstance...
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moments of peace, togetherness ~ solace
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| holding close what 'matters' ♥ 'just being there' |
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| believing (even when it's hard) in His faithfulness ~ 'morning by morning, new mercies I see' |
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| this boy |
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| that girl (she'll likely get her own post soon) |
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| constant 'letting' (backed with a lot of pleading) |
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| saturating ourselves with the 'us' of it all (in spite of, because of, in honor of) |
I'll round this mind spew out with a bevy of what we hear in our night time prayer circle. Legs crossed, hands held, eyes sometimes closed - the prayers of late from the lil' people sound a lot like this:
lucy
♥
'dear God, thank you for this day' . 'thank you that we got to go the pool' (even on days we don't) . 'thank you for my friends' . 'school, nana/pappaw, 'shoutdaway' (monosyllabic) . help us keep on the sunny side (big sigh )
bubba
♥
thank you for making us brave & strong . help us be happy as long as we're in this world . help us love you . help us listen to our parents . thank you for mama's good food that she cooked . thank you for my sister . thank you for our family . thank you that you love us....and it truly goes on & on & on (blessed sigh at that)
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in the spirit of 'drifting in the breeze' - off to 'enjoy' the day, whatever it may bring
(heart sigh)
♥
"...what I’m learning is that Jesus Christ is a multidimensional Savior
Friend. Sometimes I walk with Him and chat His face off. Sometimes we’re
just together, and it’s pretty quiet. Sometimes He says go and do
something, and He leads me in it. And sometimes He is simply smiling at
me, saying “Let’s enjoy.”
