Keep on smilin'...

I've thought of about 10 different ways I wanted to write this entry. Some of them insightful, some comical, some bare-bones'ish - it's all over the place, much like my state of mind as of late. So, the below may be a hodge-podge - here's your disclaimer if you want to stop reading now :)

When I was reading "Come & Play Bunny" to John the other night when Ella was in the bath, I could barely get through some of the pages b/c I was getting choked up. No, "Come & Play Bunny" is by no means a weepy book, so obviously I knew I was a lil' at the end of my rope. Despite all my efforts this week in tying a knot & hanging on - that rope just seemed to get shorter & I was slipping faster & faster.

So after John & Ella were tucked in bed for the night, I found myself in a familiar place - perched on the kitchen counter pouring my heart out. Thank God Seth was there to catch the pieces - imagine the mess that would have made :) And I laugh at that b/c the last thing I want right now is another mess to clean!

I told Seth I knew I was at my wit's end b/c the f-bombs were falling left & right. I knew b/c the pettiness of petty people taking themselves way too seriously wasn't amusing me - it was pissing me off. I knew b/c I was gripping my steering wheel so tight on the daily commute & talking to other drivers (talking is understating) - I don't usually talk to people in other cars, b/c, "duh, they cant' hear you" (ask Seth how many times I've reminded him of this). I knew b/c I found myself envious of the lil' ol' ladies slowing down the 5 o'clock 500 on my afternoon commute to mosey into the left turn lane at the Mayflower - I want to go to Mayflower for supper w.my friend, too! I knew b/c in my dash to get our evenings started before the rest of the fam gets home, I found myself inhaling way too big when I heard Seth's garage door open signaling that I would have to put on my "Mama hat" & "Wife hat" - adding to my housekeeping/laundry/cook hats I'd just put on since walking in the door 15 min prior.

By day I'm wearing my professional/family shopper/meal planner/milk cow hat. So with so many hats to manage all at once & interchangeably - truth be told - I've been sinking a lil' under all my "hats".

And obviously Seth can relate & thankfully we don't get weighted down by all our hats (his include accountant, professional, Deddy, sweet husband, yard boy, all time bath giver, dishwasher - the list goes on) at the same time - our kitchen counter's not that big. So, I had to confess my feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious right now. It's feeling much like a grind & there seems to be no letting up in the near future. We're not rat-race kind of people & this break-neck pace is beating me down a lil'. Somedays, it's beating me down a lot b/c I can't seem to mind over matter it. Talking about it helps, commiserating is therapeutic - knowing I'm not doing it alone is everything.

I find myself spinning wheels when I'm getting ready in the morning. Sometimes I'm praying for the day - but it's a lot of spinning. Yesterday, I promise I heard God laughing at me. As if to say laughingly, "Seriously Traci?! You got all this right? Ms. I'm-in-control-can-do-it-all-by-myself!? How's that working out for you!?" I had to laugh out loud a little to myself - ha, terribly - it's working out just terribly!

In that moment, I was able to take a breath. Not just a simple inhale/exhale, but one of those cleansing breaths that you breathe with your whole body. And I gave it back - I gave the worry back to God. I can't do it all & I have to submit to that or set myself up to fail every time. I have a bevy of scripture posted around my desk at work. Some gentle reminders/nudges of where my trust should lie...this speaks to everything I'm feeling right now...

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phillipians 4:6

So, I know I'm not trading in any of my hats - God will just make sure my head & heart can accommodate them all & I won't tip over :). He will give me the strength and perseverance I need for this day. He will make sure that when I can slow down my own voice in my head, I can hear His wisdom, feel His hand on my shoulder telling me, "It's ok - it's ok to falter, it's ok to feel less than, it's ok to be at the end of that rope sometimes." And like we do when John says the word "butt" (so taboo right now), He probably just shakes his head like a disapproving parent at all the f-bomb dropping. It's ok God, I'll put myself in time-out for those :)

So my mantra for the week, for this moment is the Wet Willie song, "Keep on Smilin"

Keep on smilin through the rain, laughin at the pain

Rollin with the changes til the sun comes out again

Keep on smilin through the rain, laughin at the pain

All the while, reminding myself that I don't have control over a lot. I don't have control of much other than myself. And the more opportunities I take to laugh and smile rather than complaining or dropping f-bombs :) the better I'm gonna be. It's really as simple as that.

One big laugh I got this week & I still laugh when thinking about it is our misplacement of Chester as of late. It's no secret that we're ready to see him find another home, and if he didn't think something was up, he sure does now I bet. Last week, we're eating supper & look out the window - be damned if he wasn't laying down on the back deck looking up at us. We didn't even know he was outside (esp. since he's an indoor cat). His look conveyed his usual "Assholes" sentiment, so we let him back in. Then the other morning, you know the night there was a frost advisory, when Seth when to let Salem in from her morning pee-break, he was standing beside her waiting to be let in. HE'D BEEN OUTSIDE THE WHOLE NIGHT!! Again, there was that "Assholes" expression on his face. That time I have to agree with him. The funny part is he won't run off - he just stays around waiting to be let in. I can't remember who said it, but we were like "wonder what he did ALL NIGHT?!" - then collectively/laughing, "ha, froze his ass off!!" I know we're horrible, but he sh*#s on our floor sometimes - I'd say we're even now :)

I also smile thinking about John & Ella. They are the lil' x-factors in this whirlwind :) John w.his daily falling apart b/c he's tired & doesn't want to leave daycare. Seth gets it on the ride home & it often continues through supper. Last night though, hanging firmly to that knot at the end of my rope - when John was falling apart about the cup his milk was in & the spaghetti he didn't want on his plate, I told him we weren't watching "the John Show" last night - I was officially unsubscribing - he could either eat/drink what he had or get down. Although some "drama" followed all my proclaiming - when all was said & done he ate the spaghetti (even asked for more - never does this) and he drank all his milk. Oh yeah, score one for Mama & Deddy :)

Then there's Ella...Miss I will eat when I'm damn good & ready. And I will not eat that nasty formula from a bottle. Yes, Mama - I will gladly take your milk from a bottle versus just getting it directly from you...though that's CLEARLY a more efficient use of our time/resources. Oh, and I will smile & laugh and be so content so you won't really know if I'm hungry or missing out. Guessing games, guessing games, guessing games - are we having fun yet, or what?! :)

Yes, the lil' x-factors can be challenging, but (you know there's always a but w.them) they are that thundering beat in my heart. Their smiles, their laughter - they got us heart & soul. I'm reminded of this in those precious moments between challenges. Like, laying on the bed w.Ella last night - kissing her plump lil' cheek as she's sleeping there beside me, belly full - straight from the source...her peaceful breathing in & out & being able to be that close to an angel...heart be still.

And John, oh my precocious John - you amuse and amaze - always. Even though it's a little off track still - you're learning some empathy. It started as when you'd accidentally hurt us and give a Traci-version of "I'm sorry" (all high pitched & insincere). Then this morning I hit my foot on something, and let an "ow" out...you looked over and said the most sincere "I'm sorry" b/c I had hurt myself. Empathy wow - I know a lot of adults that have yet to master that emotion/quality - well done, my boy! Then as you're leaving you do an about face in the hustle and bustle of you, Deddy & Ella getting out the door saying, "Oh, I forgot to give you a hug" - and you run over & wrap those arms around me...heart be still.

So, one day when Ella & John read back through my ramblings, I hope they know that the last part...those moments with them, that's the sum of it. Seth & I don't let the other overshadow any of that. The rain clouds may hover and even drop a little rain, but it doesn't last - and when that sun comes shining - it's really easy to forget the rain.

In a somewhat related story, I love Eric Church's new song, "Smoke A Little Smoke". In some of those steer wheel gripping moments this week, I've been singin' it loud & proud...

Turn the quiet up, turn the noise down

Let this ol' world just spin around

I wanna feel it sway, wanna feel it sway

And put some feel good in my soul


Want a little more right, and a little less left

Little more right now, a little less what's next

Act like tomorrow's ten years away

And just kick back and let the feelin' flow


I set my sails for a new direction

But the wind got in my way

I changed my course

But my definition of change

Just ain't the same


and oh yeah - I also totally concur w.the Drink a little drink sentiment :)

Now that I'm done "wringin out" - my WACDD can officially commence. Happy friday!

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I sometimes wake in the early morning & listen to the soft breathing of my children & I think to myself, this is one thing I will never regret & I carry that quiet with me all day long.

No Regret ~ Story People