Stream of consciousness Friday...

(deep sigh)

"Oh, What a beautiful mornin’, Oh, What a beautiful day. I got a beautiful feelin’ Everything’s goin’ my way."

That was me, singing a lil' Peggy Lee after waving bye to Seth & the babies this morning...there was a lil' hitch in all our giddy ups today :)

We've been pseudo-celebrating the coming of WACDD for 2 days now :) From some of my "going rogue" (tongue-n-cheek) cocktail concoctions to Clarence Carter's "Doin' Our Thang" on Wed. to cold beer/red wine drinking last night with the Avett Brothers on the back deck...we've been living an off script existence this week. A collective deep sigh for the whole family :)

Yesterday was such a long day. Started overnight Wed. w.some rough sleep for Ella Bella. They'd already said she was a lil' fussy the day before at daycare & she wasn't eating as much as usual. She was plum pitiful yesterday morning, so we decided to keep her home. Salem had a vet appt & I had to be at work. That calendar - still wasn't finished :( So, I was in a slight tizzy yesterday morning - Ella staying home sick w/o me - is that possible?! The rare circumstance of having to choose "work or family". Seth making the best choice for us all - he stayed home w.Ella & she went w.him to the vet. That meant me doing the drop off w.John & by the time I was back in the car after having him pulled off my leg so I could leave - the ensuing emotional trainwreck already had the tracks laid for the day.

I got to work, got my calendar completed & sent to the printer by 10am. If I could have gone to the bar then I would have :) The "mountain" successfully moved. With that pressure gone, I still had the ache of not being home w.Ella to comfort her and combined that ache w.another from her fastly losing interest in nursing recently. By the end of the day yesterday - the lump was firm in my throat (chugga chugga)...

So, I go to pick up John, get to the door of the gym & one of the teachers is in the doorway holding Eli w.a bag of ice & a cartoon-like lump on his forehead. As they're talking to me, I look past them trying to spot John in there playing. Then Justin holds the "incident report" for me to see as he explains that John & Eli literally ran into each other & John was getting his ice (hence, why I didn't see him). I then see John coming towards me being cradled like a baby - totally expecting to see equal damage to what's on Eli's head (he's having to be carried?! - what am I in for?!). Stinker didn't even have a mark to show for it (hard head evidence) and was smiling :) All he cared about was when could he eat his ice. "When we get home buddy..." (deep breath)

So we get to the parking lot, I open the door and BAM - hit him right in the head :( If his head didn't hurt, it sure did then. He fell apart, I tried not to fall apart - "I'm so sorry buddy - mommy didn't mean to. It's ok - I'm so so sorry baby" (thinking to myself "don't cry - don't cry"). Finally got him strapped in & had him hold the ice on the other side of his head (I feel that train coming). So we get about halfway home - he's settled down - we're talking. He pauses and then comes back with, "Thank you Mommy for saying your sorry." And boo-hoo I went...ensue train wreck. When I got home, saw my sweet Ella Bella smiling there with her deddy - more tears. Sometimes you can't grasp the "weight" you're carrying till it all starts spilling out. In those moments, once the waterjug's been tipped - I think it's best to just let it all spill out...

Had a couple of "band aid beers" there on the front porch with Seth & my babies...John eating his ice, Ella playing w.some melting there on the concrete, Seth being the wonderful friend and letting me continue to "spill". Feeling relief to be there, surrounded by my blessings - the loving reminders of what makes me tick :)

After Ella & John's baths, I didn't even attempt to nurse Ella. Her playful rolling over, sitting up and clapping while she should be nursing were just beyond my threshold yesterday. So, I sat in the rocking chair & fed her a bottle there in her room. It must be noted, rocking w.Ella is a treat - a rare treat. Because, she's hardly been sick, is a rock star sleeper at night - there's been little opportunity to rock her the way we rocked John. A bittersweet blessing...

I digress... So, we're there rocking, her drinking her bottle, me humming "you are my sunshine." Feeling a wave of peace being able to be still like that w.her - the familiarity & loveliness of holding a baby there in that rocker (heart be still). After I'd put her down, went to John's room. He was there rocking with Seth & Buzz :). After some convincing, he let me rock him for a lil' bit and sing "you are my sunshine", Seth sitting there on the floor beside us. It took fierce willpower to actually sing the lyrics w/o choking up. Because it's been a long time since I've been able to rock with John, I fought back the tears as much as possible - didn't want to "drench" the moment. I hugged John tightly when he finally made me relent him back to his deddy - "buddy, you have made mommy's day" and to Seth, "Ok, I'm gonna go cry some more..."

I let few things (people included) distract me from what matters most to me - those three wonderful souls who live there in my house. The joy they put in my heart every day cannot be matched. It's like a burst of sunshine that both compels and completes me. My heaven here on earth only makes my faith deeper - God indeed loves me so much.

Following from the intentional living sentiment adopted recently, I remarked to Seth the other night that I hope when I end each day I can honestly say to myself, "If today were my last, I will die happy." The older I get, the more I believe each day is really that important. As if reading my mind (ha, as if) a line in the Avett Brothers new song certainly speaks to that, "If I live the life I'm given I won't be scared to die..." As I said previously, this life's a gift. I have a quote that sits on the mirror in our bedroom. "The dedicated life is the life worth living. You must give with your whole heart." Kind of goes with something I say a lot, mostly to be funny - "go big or go home" - a lot of merit in that statement, though. I think being mindful of all the above - inviting each day in, treating it like the gift it is, counting my blessings, leaning to God for understanding and guidance...if I can focus on those things, I can rest soundly when my head hits the pillow each night.

Speaking of Avett Brothers (it's Stream of Consciousness...tangents are allowed), our tickets are on their way for the Oct. 8th show. The excitement having that on the calendar brings to us - no words for it. The thought of sitting there under an October sky, hearing what have become some life reckoning lyrics for us, knowing a year ago exactly, I was under a starry October sky here in Raleigh, 5 days from meeting sweet Ella Bella (deep sigh)...divine.

And speaking of divine, took advantage of the break in awful heat and ate outdoors last night. As the chirping of night time critters seemed to keep time with the Avett Brothers wafting through the air, the candlelight flickering in the breeze, the peace of being together, our lil' angels sleeping soundly upstairs...a "best life" moment indeed.
.............................................................................................................

Post paused by a call from Seth after a call from daycare...John has a fever of 101.2. We're now home - he's tucked in for a nap. Other than being told he has a fever, I can gladly report, he seems fine :)

Just saw this on my dashboard...now I'm crying again ~ I'll need a Pinky-swear

If that's not the summation of a mother's unwavering love and the reason to live out your blessings, not taking a moment with your children for granted.

...................................................................................................................................................................

With that, I've thoroughly wrung out for the week...

It's WACDD & while John rests, I'm gonna find a breezy spot to take the view and wait for the arrival of #4 & #5 of my favorite people ~ Nana & Pappaw. Right behind being John & Ella's mama & Seth's wife - being their daughter is one of my sweetest blessings. I may even have an adult bev whilest I wait ~ happy weekend :)