Dear Bubba and Lucy,

Hey darlin's - it's been a while, hasn't it?  It was easier to write to you when our conversations were more one sided - me doing most of the talking.  I guess we know that's rarely the case any more :)  There's a bevy of words and conversations, shouts and whispers, that engulf much of our time together - I count many blessings in that (sigh).

You've both had some big changes recently and we're just absorbing it (and a lil' anxious about it) right alongside you...

Bubba, your big school adventure is off to a big start.  This is your 1st full week of walking in by yourself - that's big stuff.  My mama told me years ago when you started walking about the day when you would be walking away from me - I think the weight of that reality is more real now than ever.  You're growing and taking some of your 1st really independent steps (heavy on the figurative).  Responsibility, disappointment, expectations - some large concepts for 5 year old you.  Invoking some growing pains that we're having right along side you, trust me.  You don't see that now, but you will one day. 

Your teacher, the proclaimed "Mrs. Scott the best" (always quickly followed by, "oh, the others are good too") seems to be great and you certainly seem to like her.  When Ella and I walked you in last week, she smiled at you, then looked at me and said, "he has the sweetest lil' personality" - of course, I agreed ♥  Your other teacher is Mrs. Sippy and we will never stop smiling when saying that aloud :)  You seem to like her too.

I can't really talk about big school without mentioning the looming elephant of the moment.  Less of an element and more of a box - a prize box.  One that 10 'bug sticks' must be earned to partake from.  You've not gotten 10 'bug sticks' yet, others have and each day when I pick you up we have to assess the d*&% bug stick status of the day.  You can't know how your often defeat in your earning/losing of the 'sticks' hurts your mama's heart.  Big school is full of new rules, expectations, more peers - and the comparison that's ingrained in trying to get everyone on the same page with all those nuances is much to bear.  You've had moments of thinking you're "not good" that someone else is "just better" and all I want to do is scream at these wholly inaccurate assessments.  Instead of screaming though (cause who wants to hear that), I'm trying to fill your lil' head & heart with "nobody's perfect, except Jesus, and because He was, we don't have to be", "always just try to do your best - that's all we can do", "we all try & be better everyday, even mama & deddy", "you never stop learning", "you can do this", "you're a good boy", "we love you so much and that will never change", "we believe in you".

These 'bug sticks' are tough for me and my way of thinking (painfully tough).  The decline in "sticks" is for talking when you're not supposed to be talking - mostly in the bathroom, which I can't know what all you need to be talking about in there.  Or it's when the color's on 'red' in the class room - not taking time to notice if it's a permissible talking time.  Take it from someone who had poor marks in conduct all the way through elementary school, wholly for talking, I just want to give this a BIG FAT EYE ROLL (immature mama moment)!  The black & white of good & bad this evokes is just skewed and you're a good boy in most every sense, so we're continuing to remind you of your goodness and worthiness.  Trying to instill that you've just got to abide by the rules and the means to those 'bug sticks', earning stickers and NOT acquiring 'steps' - a monkey wrench of sorts we learned about the other day going in the complete opposite direction of earning sticks :(  So, mama's squirming a little, holding fast to my life mantra of 'march to your own drum' and trying to temper it to more of a kindergarten level - 'march quietly and only when the color's on green' (painful sighs). 

Stepping down from that soap box now - you know I can get myself wound up :)  As I said, by and large, you love big school!  You love taking your lunch, walking in by yourself, center time, recess, earning stickers and bug sticks.  You're learning lots of new songs - the fave you're singing most right now is 'build each other up, up in the Lord'.  Last week, my mama heart beamed as you shared with me the verse for the day, saying to 'be glad in it' (sigh).  I added the 1st part, saying "this is the day..." and you stopped me, saying "I know this" and finished the rest of the verse ♥  By and large, there's much we love about your big school too.  That they care about your heart and winning it for the Lord above all else - sure does lessen the bug stick ordeal for me :) 

We're proud of you buddy - the strides you're taking and the big shoulders you're carrying all this newness with.  We will always be proud of you and we will always thank God for blessing us with you.  You're a loving, thoughtful, spirited, kind, and mindful lil' boy - you anchor us in ways I can't explain.  We continue to pray & will try & be our best for you - always ♥

Oh, and lest I forget to mention the other big thing on your horizon this fall - BASEBALL!  You had your 1st practice this weekend and I think you & deddy are going to have the biggest time with this.  He's helping 'assist' which he's excited about :)  Yall geared up and headed out in the red truck on Saturday for practice.  Deddy recounted all the games & practices he & Pop Pop traveled to & from in the same red truck (insert sigh for deddy here).  You are your deddy's best buddy and I hope you always know how his heart swells with love and pride for you ♥

........................................................................................................................

Lucy, my best girl - thankfully all your big changes aren't as daunting as bubba's :)

You moved to the 3 year old class this week and we're so proud of your readiness for that - a lil' early promotion of sorts!  You're deddy will not like me talking about you & panties in the same 'breath' but you're wearing them to school now :)  You're proud of your panties and you're all about going to the potty by yourself!  We blinked and you're here and you've brought heaps of independence with you.  We knew it was coming but especially with you, we're always trying to stay in the current moment cause we know from experience how fleeting it all is (heart sigh).  You're quite proud of all your 'big'-ness at 'lil' school'.

Because Bubba gets out of school at 3 and I just scoop you up en route, our evenings get started much earlier now, which we like.  I'm so enjoying this added time with yall.  Since your home more with me, you've started to enjoy being my lil' helper of sorts, which I love.  You set the table for the 1st time the other night and you were so proud of yourself.  You've taken to dragging your stool in the kitchen to stand at the counter with me as I get supper ready - 'helpin' and taste testin' as needed :).  And your bean snappin' skills are just awesome - I heart smile at this every time we 'snap' together!

You and I also have Thursdays together now - just the two of us.  I felt a little guilty on this at 1st as we dropped bubba at school, but now I just marinate in it.  You're a good lil' errand runner and partner - your enthusiasm for most everything just brightens the day :)  You're quick to offer a 'that was fun' or a 'thank you' which makes for a lot of joy in time spent with you.

Oh, there are plenty of tenacious moments too, but your spirit is SO STRONG that we're often too impressed or amused with you to get very frustrated (especially your D-A-D-D-Y).  You have a flair for the dramatic, often responding to simple requests with an adamant, "No, NEVER!" or if you don't like something we've said to you, we get, "I'm not going to be your best friend EVER again".  You like using this infinite verbage which is quite comical :)  Especially when we say, "Ella, can you throw this away?" and we get a, "No, NEVER!"  As I said, more amusing than frustrating!

I think the most encompassing word to describe almost 3 year old you is 'sunshine' ♥  You radiate it - that smile, that laugh, those funny faces, all your singing, your sweet lil' kisses, your unwavering spirit - you are such a bright spot, even in your stinker moments! 

........................................................................................................................

So, my babies - we're almost to the end of this summer.  We're on the cusp of a new home - a new place to fill with love and joy.  Lots of changes are happening and more are on the way.  But our solace in it all, as it has always been and hopefully will always be - it's 'us'.  The 'us' in the every day.  That we get to be that and belong to each other - it makes life's highs grander and the low's easier to bear. 

To that moon & back....

my love for you both will forever reach.

love mama

♥
This (and every day before and after) IS the day the Lord has made - 

let us REJOICE (sing, laugh, love, marinate) and be GLAD in it.

.....................

Psalm 118:24

all this luscious chaos...

I'm beginning to think peace is something we made up to keep us from being satisfied with all this luscious chaos - Chaos Theory (Story People)

(still sighing)

1.4 miles 'as the crow flies' - in physical distance - that is the space that we'll have moved in this past year when all is said & done (I laugh a lil' at all being said & done - when is that ever the case, really).  At any rate, that number is astonishing in so many ways.  It's smallness, it's irony, it's comfort, it's disappointments - it's a long journey, the railroad track stretching far & wide.  I'll say it again - 1.4 miles.

Chicken Little (aka me) has been scared to "speak" here, scared to pause long enough, scared to be excited, hopeful, vindicated.  The sky's fallen in little pieces here and there now for almost a year & a half.  Seth reminded me recently how long we've been on this path moving us away from 'easy street' and all we thought we knew about where we thought were headed.  When seasons of life begin to stretch from weeks, to months, to years - man, God must be up to something big (a little tongue & cheek there).  God's 'big' is often less than overwhelming, misunderstood, not trusted, too hard - a bevy of emotions that make me squirm.  And sometimes we take up our 'crosses' in His name, promising to follow faithfully only to find that somewhere along the walk, we'd like nothing better than to quietly set it down and run as fast as we can away - away from trusting, away from responsibility, away from blindly moving forward.  I say we, I mean me - Chicken Little's tired - some days I just want to crawl back in the hen house and let the world fall away.

I think that's when my heart feels most overwhelmed - when I want to trust, I want to hope - but I just don't feel it.  Or I feel it conditionally.  And I start bargaining - "God, if you will just let this happen" or "just answer this question", then I can get back on board.  And then I'm hiding shamefully in the hen house remembering what the James verse alludes too - I've seen the reflection in the mirror, I can't pretend I don't know.  I can't run from knowing that in those moments, when I feel less than, that's when God wants me the most.  That's when there's 'less' of me and there can be 'more' of Him.  Oh, that pride thing, that independence - I can feel how that must sound to God.  Much like our lil' Lucy right now and her adamant, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" about things she clearly can't.  I bet God cringes or even manages an exasperated eye roll right in my direction in those moments.

I guess Chicken Little can write now that we're in a new month - July was a doozie by all accounts.  Plans to get back to Winston have been thwarted, jobs have been turned down, a house has been bought - ooh, and the icing on all that cake, a trip to the children's ER with John.  Don't get me wrong - even in all it's dooziness, the blessings, silver linings, God's hand-ness have been felt.  But for us mere humans, the essence of it was still dizzying.  

So I guess I say all that to get to my great 'epiphany' for early August.  If God puts the dream on your heart, the only choice is trust He will carry it through.  The muddled feeling in the midst of or journey to is often our own agendas or interpretations trying to step ahead of His planning, timing and grace.  Those sky pieces falling are more like puzzle pieces to be collected - we can choose to stop and lick our wounds or we can see the "pieces" as means to an incredible end and press on with that knowing, trust and hope.  We may limp, we may need to stop & rest, we may ask 'why' and like the patient parent, God doesn't let us fall behind and He's constantly trying to assuage our "whys" (on that one, I sure know how he feels - we get a lot of 'why's' from Lucy right now).

('I know, I know' sigh - in the tone of bubba) Now that I have all that out of the way :)

So big, looming gorilla in the room right now...

 

This guy, headed to kindy-garten next week (big mama, that's my baby, how on earth did we get here so fast sigh).  He's so ready and excited.  We are too in most breaths :)  There's another, smaller looming gorilla right now that I'm feeling hyper-anxious on, but I think it's more a by-product of being on the cusp of the C-word with my 1st born....change.  That word just doesn't roll off the tongue easy.  It's exciting, uncomfortable and bittersweet.  It's life.  It's a one constant - things change.  Going back to the idea of 'luscious chaos' - just another word for change :)  Life doesn't run idle and it's best to embrace that and enjoy the ride as much as possible.  Easy street's a short, dead end, dirt path on so many accounts and while it may look good in the 'rear view' it's a stop gap for really living.

So, hopefully one day I may get back to writing about weekend fun things, lil' quips from the 'babies' and just takin' the view.  But for this season of life, I'm hangin' on (by a thread in moments) and embracing/clutching as much as I can.  This doesn't afford a lot of down time & I certainly don't want to trip by slowing down and looking in the rear view too much.  

So speaking of 'views' and trusting God to carry those dreams He puts on our hearts - praying for this view to be our reality very soon... 

 

Above all, praying He'll continue to show us the doors He's opening on our behalf and holding our hands strong as He walks us through them...

And making it all count by making sure to marinate in the blessings as they unfold - giving our best to those we love...

 

 - Happy 1st of August -

♥

But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut. 4:29

Before you set your sails...drift in the breeze

'Life Plan'
♥
I asked her what she planned to do with her life & she said she was way beyond that point already.  I'm just happy I remember to be there when it happens she said.  (story people)

This is going to be one of those "just start typing, just start typing" posts (forewarning).

(big sigh) (glance out the window) (another sigh)

The above Story People sums up much right now.  With each day we're afforded, I learn more and more to embrace that kind of 'life plan.'  More out of necessity than choice, if I'm being honest.  The vanity in trying to live any other way hits hard & fast.  There's enough up & down in life that I try & keep as much 'hard & fast' at bay as possible. 

Lil' fish, bubba, John Tyson, firstborn, favorite son - he turned 5 last week.  A whole handful when asked how old he is now.  This dizzies me.  We watched his birth video on his birthday after he went to bed - I sobbed immediately - I'm sure my cry face was wretched.  How did we get here so fast?

We went to 'big school' yesterday for his assessment and to meet the principal.  As I sat on the other side of the cracked door as he was 'assessed' and listened in, my heart smiled that proud smile that mamas do.  Hearing his lil' banter and then getting to hear the principal 'gush' on what a delight he was and praise 'the job' Seth & I are doing in raising him - one of those 'pat on the back' life moments that just fills your heart & bolsters your spirit.

We've gotten lots of assurance on his readiness for 'big school' - he's not the one I'm (per say) worried about.  I'm not worried about us either, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm bracing myself for this next chapter.  That we're even to that part of the 'book' is something I'm still wrestling to get my mind around.

That boy's heart, faith & spirit are just amazing to us - I think I'm bracing a little that the world won't chip away at all that goodness.  The aforementioned 'job' we were praised for, I know it only gets more challenging and complicated going forward - that's why I'm bracing & praying interchangeably.

(more sighing)

We miss our dog - all this sighing really makes me think of her.  She was always here to sigh along with me.  Seth told me once that the mechanics of sighing were really more about finding a good, deep breath.  My theory is that my heart's expanding at a rate my breath can't hold, thus it comes out in a big heaping sigh.  Yeah, Salem was the ultimate 'sigher' - she'd do so with her whole body.  Whatever her reason, I'm sure it brought 'relief' in some form.  I miss her.  I was bee-bopping around the other morning & found myself talking aloud and looked down beside me expecting to see her head upturned at me with those good 'listening ears'.  That put pause in all my bee-bopping and chatter and just made me real sad for a moment.  In that moment, I'd forgotten or maybe remembered, and there I was all alone in the great sadness of it.  We miss our dog.

Guess I should go ahead and point out the 'elephant' in the room, rather overhead.  I think he's 18 mos old and moved in a few weeks ago.  He begins his day around 5:40am and usually wraps up about 9:30 at night.  He and his elephant family sound like the 'dawn patrol' from jungle book at regular intervals throughout the day.  All the thundering is a harsh reminder that 7 mos later, we're still in this d#$% apartment.  Our desire and urgency to remedy our disenchantment here is bolstered by all this thunder. 

(negative Nelly taking a 'not going there' pause - also trying to seek a quiet spot to think)

The title of this post, a sentiment borrowed from p.simon's 'learn how to fall'.  The laugh rather than cry at that is we're definitely in the throes of a 'learning season' right now.  We don't know how long this season will last and we're trying to 'drift in the breeze' as much as possible - clinging to a 'happy to be here' mantra (the here being relative, the 'happy' being forced at times).  All that said, we're praying hard and hoping with all our hearts that we'll be ready to 'set our sails' soon.  The horizon has promise and we're hoping to get to a place where the 'weather suits our clothes' so to speak.  I know this all sounds cryptic, but it's more for the book than anyone else's understanding for now.

Some tidbits as I look around this morning, some points of light, some reminders that our who/why remain in spite of place/circumstance...

moments of peace, togetherness ~ solace

holding close what 'matters' ♥ 'just being there'

believing (even when it's hard) in His faithfulness ~ 'morning by morning, new mercies I see'

this boy

that girl (she'll likely get her own post soon)

constant 'letting' (backed with a lot of pleading)

saturating ourselves with the 'us' of it all (in spite of, because of, in honor of)

I'll round this mind spew out with a bevy of what we hear in our night time prayer circle.  Legs crossed, hands held, eyes sometimes closed - the prayers of late from the lil' people sound a lot like this:

lucy 

♥

'dear God, thank you for this day' . 'thank you that we got to go the pool' (even on days we don't) . 'thank you for my friends' .  'school, nana/pappaw, 'shoutdaway' (monosyllabic) . help us keep on the sunny side (big sigh ) 

bubba 

♥

thank you for making us brave & strong . help us be happy as long as we're in this world . help us love you . help us listen to our parents . thank you for mama's good food that she cooked . thank you for my sister . thank you for our family . thank you that you love us....and it truly goes on & on & on (blessed sigh at that)

 ...................................................................................................................................

in the spirit of 'drifting in the breeze' - off to 'enjoy' the day, whatever it may bring 

(heart sigh)

♥

"...what I’m learning is that Jesus Christ is a multidimensional Savior Friend. Sometimes I walk with Him and chat His face off. Sometimes we’re just together, and it’s pretty quiet. Sometimes He says go and do something, and He leads me in it. And sometimes He is simply smiling at me, saying “Let’s enjoy.”

A fun things of sort (mingled with some 'housekeeping')...

There's a lil' orange button I click here for a "new post."  Sometimes that daunts me, sometimes it excites me - today it's more like when I hear an old hymn sung at church, kinda makes me want to cry.

I think I cry at those songs for the nostalgia, joy, suffering, steadfastness, faithfulness and mostly for the hope in them.  Lost souls found, blessed assurance, wandering hearts bound, souls made well and so on.

I have a confession, I've not been putting "first things first" in many ways of late.  It's amazing how your soul integrity can start to disintegrate under the weight of misplaced priorities.  There's a lot more to this that I likely couldn't articulate even if I tried.  It's a condition of the heart & experience has taught me those are best given to Him in moments of confession.

Experience has also taught me I need this space, this blog, to keep that perpetual "cup" that fills with so much every day from just spilling all over the place.  I don't like messes - real or figurative.

I made a "shame on me" declaration last week to Mimi.  Saying I've become really bad about taking pictures.  She consoled with the whole "2nd child, life getting busy" reality.  I couldn't accept that b/c I know it's not true - I have intentionally (and it's intentional b/c I think of it & deliberately don't do it) not taken pictures here in a while.  My ugly confession was that I don't want "this time" in pictures.  I don't want this apartment "in the background".  I'm not capturing moments because I don't really want the memory.  That makes me cry to put that in words again - it's so ugly and so prideful.  Because we're in this pause of life in one way, I've allowed it to cast a shadow over all the other beauty & blessings happening day in and day out - shame on me.

I used to write a lot about 'intentional living' and my belief in it - I think I need to go back and study up.  I certainly need to put it back on the forefront.  Like I said, "first things first", living outside of that sure does muddy the water.

So, I'm going to attempt a "fun things", some snapshots of the weekend (backgrounds be d*****).  The centerpieces of the moments are still as amazing as they ever were (big heart sighs)...

family dinners

dining with self-proclaimed royalty

my boys ♥ bubba's up to the hip now, we'll blink and he'll be up to our shoulders (sigh)

play dough fun

lucy's 'masterpiece'

bubba, always lookin' for a tree to climb

a regular johnny appleseed

chalk fun ~ always

chillin' & grillin' apartment style (enjoyin' another man's grill, garage, peanuts & beer)

date night ♥

post dinner spirits & cards

crockpottin' on saturday

chicken tortilla soup

relaxin'

post church, pre-nap hoarding, notice the bulge in those britches :)

unloading her 'wares'

 

double checking - she's a thorough one :)

 

heading out for a walk - we take lots of those

lil' miss 'I hold the door'

walkin' bevs (essential)

 

'walk in the stripes' a mantra of apartment living

 

sunday evening fun - candyland

a lil' sassy before we start (shocking)

notice the new mani/pedi :)

 

let the game commence

i'll let you guess who won her inaugural game

i suppose the thrill fades once you've won

So, there's a bevy of extraordinary ordinary.  It feels good to put it out there - feels right.  The background may have changed, but what matters hasn't.  (head shaking) I know I've covered this before - amazing how we lose focus, isn't it?!

I alluded to night time prayers in my last post - that truly is a blessed pause in our day.  Sure it's some wrangling to get focused, sure there's some silliness, sure there's someone passing gas out of one end or the other but there's always a moment of simple enlightenment.  Most times, it's bubba in his 4 year old faith and understanding of God and goodness.  The other night it was his prayer, "please help us keep on the sunny side" (sigh).  I echoed that prayer when it was my turn.  That's one of my kids favorite songs - Ella often lays in her bed singing it.  We hear "keep on the sunny side" a lot around here ♥

So, with that, I'm going to try and do more of that.  Like those old hymns, allow the words and message in this song to permeate my way of living...

Let us greet with a song of hope each day.
Though the moments be cloudy or fair.
Let us trust in our Saviour always,
To keep us, every one, in His care.

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day, it will brighten all the way,
If we'll keep on the sunny side of life.

Letting first things be first, keeping my eyes/heart "fixed upon" and letting truths, learned & remembered resonate...

He does, He will - He doesn't care about the "background", just what we fill the frame with ♥

.....

The Lord has been mindful of us; he will bless us. Psalm 115:12

gonna be a long monday

sum of all parts right now...

this season of life, if given a title track, for me it'd be "long monday"...

♥ soul to soul, heart to heart, cheek to cheek - give me a kiss that will last all week...

these are the best life moments - us & those babies (that are so far from being babies that I'm questioned why I still call them that)

it's those first waking moments - the embraces, the hair stroked, the quiet of good morningness

it's those lil' faces at the end of the day that can't recount the day fast enough - the excitement and exhaustion, equally overwhelming the moment

it's the beacon of light and happiness that shines so bright through those lil' personalities - that whole bottled laughter concept - still working on that

it's the snugglin' for me, the ticklin' for deddy - the can't hold them close enough-ness

it's prayer time - hearing lil' hearts be thankful, silly and more Godly than I could have ever imagined

it's those last waking moments of their day, cozied up in their pj's, night night kisses and choruses of "iloveyousomuch"

♥ like a honey bee, buzzin' round a glass of sweet chablis - radio's on, windows rolled up and my mind's rolled down...

this is pace-of-life at times right now (albeit a lil' forced)

it's marinating in this time - taking it for what it is

it's "imbibing" likely more than we should but takin' it in stride - this time, fleeting like everything else

the radio's on - the one defining nuance that never changes - time/space have no bearing

♥ sittin' all alone on a mountain by river that has no end...stuck like the tick of a clock that's come unwound - again & again

this is the reality of the day - both sides of that railroad track - joy & sorrow running side by side

it's the stride of finding sunshine in the view, the hope in the day, relishing the moment

it's that rearview mirror - daunting if looked in too much - best to keep one foot in front of the other

it's reminding ourselves - "these days" are the "best days" even when they're not

it's believing that the "again & again" of feeling "unwound" is not a test, nor a vain discipline - rather that heavenly hand finding a hold on our hearts & days (sometimes pulling, sometimes pushing, mostly quietly holding)

♥ gonna be a long monday

the underwhelmingness of life's mondays becoming a solace of mind

♥ objects in the mirror may appear nearer than they seem to be...

thus, keeping my eyes on the day in front of me - all the perspective i need

- my times are in your hands -

Psalm 31:15

...indeed they are

Dear Salem,

(deep sigh to be followed by many more)

Dear Salem,

The last time I wrote, you were here beside me.  You were here by my side as you've been for almost the past year - day in, day out.  Today you're not though and it's tough.  It's been tough to absorb the last few weeks.  I still think we're kind of numb and in shock.  Our comings and goings feel different, our daily habits still find us motioning to do things that don't need to be done anymore.  Your "spaces" sit empty and I often just look at their emptiness and "leak" - you know about me leaking, Lord knows you saw plenty of it over the years.  Speaking of, just grabbed a handful of tissues - this is going to be harder than I thought...

I have to tell you, I don't know that I've ever felt so sad to lose anything in my life - I mean that.  And I think sometimes that sounds possibly crazy because let's be honest, by all accounts, you were a dog.  But I can/would argue (to those of us who knew and loved you, I wouldn't even need to explain) the "how much more" you were than that.  You were our friend, our 1st baby, a big sister, a stark example of unconditional love.  I think that may be one of the hardest parts right now.  You were so good and good to us, and yet you "asked" so little in return.  In a world where there is so little of that, it's really hard not to be devastated when you lose an embodiment of that kind of love.

I guess I should allude to our last day with you...me & your deddy, hardest thing ever.  In those days leading up, there was such of fear of "how do we know" when it would be your time to go home.  There were many tears shed the night before turning that question over & over.  That Thursday morning when you walked around my side of the bed and looked at me - well, you made it clear.  I thank you for that.  I thank you for the peace you gave in that look to let us know it was time. As you sunk there on floor beside me and I laid in bed for a moment longer, I have to say it was one of those life moments where you just don't know that you want to put your feet on the floor and start the day.  I just reached down and stroked your head and eventually put my feet on the floor.  In the last year, we've learned a lot about hard things, haven't we?  You can't hide from the day - you just brace yourself - one foot in front of the other...

There's a lot of logistics & tears from that morning that will stay between you, me & your deddy - those quiet, sacred moments will never be gone from our hearts sweet girl.  You did get to take a long ride in the truck with us - I'm glad for that, you always liked riding there.  Fitting that it should be the last ride you take - at the very least, so deserved.  There at the animal hospital - again, more sacred moments with lots of tears, lots of nuzzles and many words of love spoken softly in your ears.  We didn't want to leave you there and walking back out into the sunshine was almost blinding.  There was peace in the humanity, but the loss and sadness were gut wrenching.

Because it seemed like the right thing to do - we left and drove to one of your favorite places  - Lake Johnson.  The bright sun, crisp air and sparkling water felt like you & God saying, "it's ok".  We laughed through our tears remembering a lot of "best life" there with you.  Some excerpts I wrote on 2/20/2009 (the closeness of the dates isn't lost on me) on "finding grace" about you & Lake Johnson:

It was where we brought our Salem Belle home to when she was just a few weeks old.  We couldn’t wait to walk her proudly around the lake.  In our minds, she was the luckiest dog in the world to live in such a prime dog-walking spot!

I remember us & Salem Belle spending a Saturday afternoon on the trail that runs along the water’s edge.  I don’t know who was having more fun, us or Salem.  I remember losing my breath laughing so hard at Salem jumping back & forth across an empty creek bed - the more we laughed & encouraged her, the more determined and completely ridiculous she looked!  Afterwards we rode around & looked at houses for the 1st time - just moseying.  The dream of a home together was spawned that day.

You were always a part of the "moseying" and you were definitely planted right beside us in all our "dreams."  By every account you were with us to see so many dreams come true - our 1st house, bringing those babies home (I'm sorry - I know they seemingly 'rocked our peaceful' boat) - so many days in the sun just being "us."  You were there in the dark, on that top step of the house, beside me as I had one hand on you and one hand on my pregnant belly, crying and wondering how on earth I was going to love you good enough once that baby got here.  I see now, he loved on you so good from the time he got here that I didn't need to worry so much.  

Speaking of him, yall were so blessed to have each other.  I was taking him and Lucy to school the other day and "How Great Is Our God" was playing in the car.  When we walked in the door, he tugged on me and I bent down to eye level with him as he said, smiling "that song made me think of Sae Sae" (big heart sigh) - I carried those words, that smile & his faith with me all day that day.  He's a good soul.  I think having a good dog has something to do with that.  Thank you for always been so good and patient with him - he misses you too.

Girl, I have to tell you, we're just really sad and a little lost without you.  A sunny day, a walk outside, when we open the front door, when we take a weekend trip, when we wake up in the morning, when we go to bed at night - you're there in all those moments, except that you're not and that's what makes this so hard.  We're trying to find us without you and I don't know that we'd have ever wanted to do that.  As I said before, we wanted our own happy ending and we wanted more time.  We didn't get what we wanted in any of that.

Silver lining - you know how I search for those.  Your suffering wasn't long and painful - you still had so much dignity and grace.  We're thankful for that.  The outpouring of love from far & wide was amazing - you were so very loved & will be missed by so many.  We're not alone in our sadness & I'm thankful that your goodness was felt by so many.   

I don't know what else to say...my words feel a little inadequate, they can't paint the whole picture - not that they need to, I guess.  The memories of you will stay alive through pictures, videos, stories, laughs, tears, sunny days and more best life days ahead - I know they're coming.  Your place in our hearts is forever etched and I know your name will pass our lips more than I can say.

Thank you for being our sweet girl, a best friend, a leaning post, a loving welcome home, a quiet assurance of peace and love.  Ironically, I'm sitting now in the green chair (you know I like to float around) and I just noticed to my left the little pillow reading "I want to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am" (big sigh).  I hope we made you proud - I hope we were half the people that a soul like yours deserved.  And though I know there were so many times we fell short, were impatient, too busy or distracted with whatever - thank you for being that beacon of love always present, waiting patiently for us to return some of that to you.  We may not have been the people you thought we were but I can promise we're better to have loved you and had your love in return - more silver lining.

(more sighing)

The battery's getting low, the morning is slipping away...

I love you girl, I hope heaven's grass is short & soft and the days are long & sunny.  I hope there's a pond for you to swim in and a big shade tree for you to rest under.  I hope my Pappaw's patting you on the head as he always did, even if he's still calling you "a good boy" :)  I hope granddaddy Underwood has finally got to see you up close - he loved boxers and would have surely loved you.  I hope Chester's there too - maybe he won't antagonize you as much in heaven...I bet he was glad to see you :)

This side of heaven will never be the same - we love you sweet girl...  

♥ mama

Salem Belle Fisher . 11/19/04 - 2/21/13

Wearing selfish, thankful but mostly sadness...

Here's one of those posts I never want to write...

I write because (1) I know down the road these words will lend a comforting nostalgia for my family -and- (2) I don't want to implode - when the cup is this full, I can either tip it or wait for it to spill.  I have toddlers, so I avoid messes whenever possible...

Well, the last week has been hard, harder and devastating.  Per the last time I wrote, (Salem being "not right"), we ended up making back to back trips to the vet on Monday & Tuesday, finally ending up at the animal hospital in Cary Saturday morning.  We went from "not right" to looking at her and holding her as if we may be seeing her last breaths. 

The hard...we got an "autoimmune disease" diagnosis initially, some prednisone, followed by what seemed like a pretty fast response - she looked/seemed more "like herself."  By Saturday morning that all was a distant memory - she was listless, panting and barely opening her eyes.  She was stabilized at the animal hospital over the weekend while we waited for the internal medicine folks to return on Monday and run more extensive scans & test.

The harder...going the whole weekend without our 1st baby.  Being a part from her, missing her presence and being unable to stop imagining that we may never get our "same" back.  Her at our feet, greeting us at the door, her sighs, her nuzzling up against us - her presence, bigger than I think we ever realized.

The devastating...waiting on the call yesterday, knowing in our hearts, the way you "just know" that the news couldn't be good.  Jumping when I heard my phone ring, inhaling big because I knew news was coming, hearing that most-dreaded "c" word and then just weeping.  Oh there were other words like lymphoma, untreatable, weeks (maybe months, but not likely) and chemo.  The most important ones were "when can we bring her home?"

When Seth arrived with her yesterday evening and she came bounding in the door, there was more weeping.  Minus the wonky haircut/shaving she received over the weekend - that back end was waggling and that lil' nub was just a wiggling.  Her eyes were bright, her cheek was soft - she nuzzled right up against my shoulder just as she always has.

As I held her, as I've continued to hold her, I cannot imagine the sickness that's permeating through her body.  I have thoughts of super hero just "pulling" it from her and casting it as far away as I can.  Damn cancer - I hate hate hate hate hate it.  I told Seth's mom last week, something about mean dogs getting sick, not dogs like Salem.  She asked if that would make a difference and of course in the state I'm in, yes - it absolutely wood (foolish, I know).  Good people, good dogs - good souls...I hate cancer.

So there's my selfish.  I think I speak for Seth & I both - we want more time with her.  We want to be out of this d&*$ apartment (at this moment, it is the d^&$ apartment) somewhere there's a yard she can just roam in like she always did at the house.  A space that's free and big.  We want to think that one day many many many years from now that she'll find a shade spot under a tree, on a beautiful & bright sunny day, lay down to rest and just pass peacefully from old age.  No sickness wearing her away from the inside, no stinkin' apartment - we just want more time.  We want our own "happy ending" for her.  I feel like Ella, "I want, I want, I want."  As I said, this is the selfish part.

And yes we are thankful - we're trying to immerse ourselves in the present.  I know as time goes on, our sadness and missing will be flanked with memories, pictures, videos.  As I said, we're thankful but the other emotions are just a lil' heavier in this moment.

My mom echoed some words to me yesterday that sounded familiar - I think I echoed similar ones when my Pappaw passed.  Being a person of faith, there's a certain peace that is afforded amidst any tragedy or hardship.  Peace doesn't equal a free pass, however, you still have to wear the heartache and the sadness - you just know God won't leave you in it.

So the sadness - it's the heaviest right now.  It's the cry on a dime, it's the knots in the stomach, the numb feeling - "is the world really still moving" feeling.  It's the knowing how "borrowed" our time is with Salem - that the days are surely numbered.  It's the helpless of not being able to fix what's broken.  Ultimately, for me, it's the thought that keeps spinning over & over in my mind & my heart.  The notion that got me through the turmoil of leaving my job, the rigamarole of selling a house - the general hardness & challenges throughout 2012 - nothing was changing that REALLY MATTERED.  All those changes were ok because that was the one, residing truth.

That is not the case right now - Salem matters, she always has.  This family has a mom, a dad, a son, a daughter and our dog.  The Fab 5-ness of our lil' crew is great - it's "us" - no more, no less.  It's the comfort of knowing even when the world falls away, things come & go, we have each other.  Alongside us in most that we do - from meals shared, playing on the floor, running around outside, sitting together, knee-to-knee for our nightly prayers - sae sae is part of all that.

(sigh)...(few more sighs)...

Salem's laying here beside me, as she does most mornings.  She just sighed too.  Mimi's always said she's a person and I truly believe that now.  She's been looking pleadingly into our eyes with that chin up to further her point.  I like to think she's telling us, "it's ok....it's ok."  I think she's happy to be home, God knows we're happy to have her back for however long this may be.  The tears will keep falling, I know that too - the well feels boundless right now.

We've received so much love, support, encouragement and prayers - it has lifted us in ways I can't explain.  Seth & I are pretty private folks for the most part but God has certainly pushed us towards "community" in the last year in many ways.  We are thankful for that and we certainly feel less alone because of it.  I have a good friend from church who's a photographer - she's coming this evening to take some "family photos" for us.  I think it will be a blessing to have this moment to look back on in pictures. 

There's no good segue-way to share something else that's heavy on my heart.  This showed up on my FB timeline on Saturday evening (like that day hadn't been long enough)...

At 2:40am this morning our sweet Daisy went to be with Jesus. She was sleeping and in no pain. Christ is with us as the God of all comfort. We are thankful.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)
Daisy believed this and so do we. More than ever.
Love,
The Merricks

(no words - just more tears)

So I guess it's fair to say that amidst my grief about Salem, I couldn't help but look on at my babies playing in the bathtub moments after reading that and my heart saying, "thank you God - thank you that it's not them."

As I said, there's some thankful in there it's just flanked with a deep, deep sadness all around.  Sadness heaped on sadness.  I know God will not leave us under this heavy "blanket" - I know the days are numbered on all of it.  In His time, by His will and with His grace - those are the quiet embers of peace that burn underneath it all. 

Part of my "stink" last week was changing the pace, management of my time during the days.  Since that declaration, I've been working my way through the book of Isaiah.  Boy, was God angry throughout that one.  I feel angry right now, but nothing like that.  The moreover are the words that knocked me over the head about halfway through - God doesn't take to nudging with me - He definitely takes a more "pull the rug out", "knock her in the head" approach - He is the ultimate 'word Ninja'-

From Isaiah 30:15, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."

Yes, God - I want heaps of all that...repentance, rest, quietness & trust, so that I may feel the salvation & the strength.   I understand what's required of me...

And even though it's a lot of angry God, I also think I was meant to read it for this -

Isaiah 33:2, "O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you.  Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."

Yes Lord, I need to feel your grace, be infused with your strength and trust your sovereignty, especially in a time such as this...

♥