all this luscious chaos...

I'm beginning to think peace is something we made up to keep us from being satisfied with all this luscious chaos - Chaos Theory (Story People)

(still sighing)

1.4 miles 'as the crow flies' - in physical distance - that is the space that we'll have moved in this past year when all is said & done (I laugh a lil' at all being said & done - when is that ever the case, really).  At any rate, that number is astonishing in so many ways.  It's smallness, it's irony, it's comfort, it's disappointments - it's a long journey, the railroad track stretching far & wide.  I'll say it again - 1.4 miles.

Chicken Little (aka me) has been scared to "speak" here, scared to pause long enough, scared to be excited, hopeful, vindicated.  The sky's fallen in little pieces here and there now for almost a year & a half.  Seth reminded me recently how long we've been on this path moving us away from 'easy street' and all we thought we knew about where we thought were headed.  When seasons of life begin to stretch from weeks, to months, to years - man, God must be up to something big (a little tongue & cheek there).  God's 'big' is often less than overwhelming, misunderstood, not trusted, too hard - a bevy of emotions that make me squirm.  And sometimes we take up our 'crosses' in His name, promising to follow faithfully only to find that somewhere along the walk, we'd like nothing better than to quietly set it down and run as fast as we can away - away from trusting, away from responsibility, away from blindly moving forward.  I say we, I mean me - Chicken Little's tired - some days I just want to crawl back in the hen house and let the world fall away.

I think that's when my heart feels most overwhelmed - when I want to trust, I want to hope - but I just don't feel it.  Or I feel it conditionally.  And I start bargaining - "God, if you will just let this happen" or "just answer this question", then I can get back on board.  And then I'm hiding shamefully in the hen house remembering what the James verse alludes too - I've seen the reflection in the mirror, I can't pretend I don't know.  I can't run from knowing that in those moments, when I feel less than, that's when God wants me the most.  That's when there's 'less' of me and there can be 'more' of Him.  Oh, that pride thing, that independence - I can feel how that must sound to God.  Much like our lil' Lucy right now and her adamant, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" about things she clearly can't.  I bet God cringes or even manages an exasperated eye roll right in my direction in those moments.

I guess Chicken Little can write now that we're in a new month - July was a doozie by all accounts.  Plans to get back to Winston have been thwarted, jobs have been turned down, a house has been bought - ooh, and the icing on all that cake, a trip to the children's ER with John.  Don't get me wrong - even in all it's dooziness, the blessings, silver linings, God's hand-ness have been felt.  But for us mere humans, the essence of it was still dizzying.  

So I guess I say all that to get to my great 'epiphany' for early August.  If God puts the dream on your heart, the only choice is trust He will carry it through.  The muddled feeling in the midst of or journey to is often our own agendas or interpretations trying to step ahead of His planning, timing and grace.  Those sky pieces falling are more like puzzle pieces to be collected - we can choose to stop and lick our wounds or we can see the "pieces" as means to an incredible end and press on with that knowing, trust and hope.  We may limp, we may need to stop & rest, we may ask 'why' and like the patient parent, God doesn't let us fall behind and He's constantly trying to assuage our "whys" (on that one, I sure know how he feels - we get a lot of 'why's' from Lucy right now).

('I know, I know' sigh - in the tone of bubba) Now that I have all that out of the way :)

So big, looming gorilla in the room right now...

 

This guy, headed to kindy-garten next week (big mama, that's my baby, how on earth did we get here so fast sigh).  He's so ready and excited.  We are too in most breaths :)  There's another, smaller looming gorilla right now that I'm feeling hyper-anxious on, but I think it's more a by-product of being on the cusp of the C-word with my 1st born....change.  That word just doesn't roll off the tongue easy.  It's exciting, uncomfortable and bittersweet.  It's life.  It's a one constant - things change.  Going back to the idea of 'luscious chaos' - just another word for change :)  Life doesn't run idle and it's best to embrace that and enjoy the ride as much as possible.  Easy street's a short, dead end, dirt path on so many accounts and while it may look good in the 'rear view' it's a stop gap for really living.

So, hopefully one day I may get back to writing about weekend fun things, lil' quips from the 'babies' and just takin' the view.  But for this season of life, I'm hangin' on (by a thread in moments) and embracing/clutching as much as I can.  This doesn't afford a lot of down time & I certainly don't want to trip by slowing down and looking in the rear view too much.  

So speaking of 'views' and trusting God to carry those dreams He puts on our hearts - praying for this view to be our reality very soon... 

 

Above all, praying He'll continue to show us the doors He's opening on our behalf and holding our hands strong as He walks us through them...

And making it all count by making sure to marinate in the blessings as they unfold - giving our best to those we love...

 

 - Happy 1st of August -

♥

But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut. 4:29