"Real Work"

Just start typing, just start typing - kinda like Dori "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"...

This is gonna be one of those "I just need to write posts" more for my sanity than for your reading pleasure - you've been warned :)

The cup's full this morning, spilling a little if I'm being completely honest...I tend to lean towards completely honest in most things.  It's a big shoulder way to live...

I'll start with what's staring me in the face - literally...it's salem belle.  She's laying here on her bed enjoying the birds chirping and the click of my keyboard as she does most mornings.  But this morning something's different.  We don't know what it is and I have on my to-do list to call the vet for some blood work to be done.  We already made one trip there yesterday.  Not that the vet didn't give his best assessment based on what he could see/feel, but we just feel there's something more.  She's not herself is the best way to describe it w/o too much detail - we've had her since she was 5 weeks old, so I'd say we're good judges of that.  Two weepy parents who couldn't even make eye contact last night during our nightly prayers on the floor with our babies as Salem was cradled like a newborn puppy in my lap - yes, for our peace of mind for our 1st baby, we need some answers.    

John, getting older and practicing that empathy could sense something was "amiss" beyond Salem just "not feeling good".  He leaned into me last night reassuringly, "Mama, I'm going to be real quiet tomorrow so you can work."  That boy, good at his core - I thank God so much (sigh).

What else, well I'm working too hard.  I'm not sticking to a schedule and even when I loosely set one, I blow right on by it not hardly missing a beat.  The constant swirl of thinking, the here & there migraines, yeah I'm not doing real good at time management right now.  And still in the early stages of being in business for myself, by myself, with myself and working harder than I EVER did at any day job...let's just say I need to do better, I have to do better.  There I've said it and part of fixing a problem is first being able to admit you have one.  Then you put it in writing so there's never any denying :)  This beyond awesome 25 Point Manifesto is going to be my anchor in taming this "beast".  I'm a fervent list girl - this is one of the best I've EVER seen.

The sun's trying to come up today - sunny days are always better, FACT.  There's a clarity in them, a resolution - a "this will be a good day" attitude evoked just by their warmth & blue skies.

John's busy coloring this morning and as promised letting me have this quiet time to think and write.  Because mama was having a penny pinching moment at the wal-mart the other day, he & Ella are splitting a box of skittles valentines for their classes.  John asked about cards the other night & I said there weren't any this year.  So he's taking it upon himself to color full page pictures from the Batman & Hello Kitty coloring books for each child in his class and the other 4 year old class.  How can a 4 year be such an example of amazing - still trying to wrap my mind around & looking on proudly...

I am using this time to write this morning.  I have work to do, orders to prep but as I hear myself telling others & I'm now reminding myself - if we don't stop and take care of ourselves, we're not gonna be much good for anyone else, also FACT.  I can always tell when I need to tip this cup of life (it fills to the brim & point of spilling) & now is certainly one of those times.

I'm heartbroken for this girl & her family ~ Daisy Love.  You don't need to click the link, but do so if you have any room in your prayer circle.  And if you click the link, watch the 1st video listed, "When Sparrows Fall" - it will be one of the best hours you spend.  I've watched it twice now - once alone and again with Seth.  It's a message for us all.  The moreover of my heartbreak is that I've followed this family for several years now.  At this point, they've been given the task to take Daisy home as she's in her 4th "rodeo" with cancer, cease treatment and "make her comfortable."  I cannot help but try & get my mind around how I would try not to crumble if I ever was given the resolution of the only thing I could further do in my child's ending life is to "make her comfortable."

Back in March 2011, I wrote Soapboxin' for babies (Daisy was part of this)- looking back at that list makes my heart heavy.  Knowing one is in heaven, one is on it's doorsteps, some are making strides and some are not - making me more thankful for my own children's health, extremely understated.  Struggling with how to pray to God - heartbroken for their pain, their family's pain, selfishly asking for healing and more time for them.  Then holding my own children tighter, my heart pleading with God to always keep them healthy and safe.

Like I said, heart heavy on the above...

Follow that heart heavy with a lil' anxious.  Ugh, I hate anxious - such a jittery emotion - ugh.  The new & shiny is wearing off on the apartment.  It's still a fine situation but the nuances are feeling more like annoyances and I need to reel in my attitude about this quick!  Being a follower of the "perspective church of life", I know the ability to make this a good thing and see the best in falls squarely on me.  And of course, there's a lil' itch of spring fever, incited by here & there smells of fresh mulch & dirt and lo & behold the "loves to be outside and play in the dirt with my flowers" beast is starting to awaken from hibernation.  Follow that with some thoughts of blooms that are going to start popping up at the house and tours I won't be taking around the yard to marvel at what's starting to bloom - yeah, a lil' nostalgia creeping...I knew I couldn't run from it forever :)

That anxious is coupled with a lil' more God pleading & wanting.  Never finding myself wanting for much (taken years to master that), when I do it's really painful.  Kinda wanting the right job to come along for Seth, kinda wanting to get moved before John starts school (as we weave ourselves through the maze of WCPSS "in case" we're still here - whole other ugh at that), kinda wanting a space that's ours (minus the people walking over head or falling outta the d&^% bed at 11pm at night - think sound like dropping cinder blocks from high places), kinda wanting my own dirt & grass to play in - oh, and a big want (no "kinda" on this) is d&^% garbage service :)  Of all things, I know, but man the nuance of having to take our trash somewhere has become a hard and fast annoyance.  It's really the little things :) 

Well, I already feel the "stink" coming off of me...yeah, it was full cup but also a lil' "stink" to brush off right now.  The to-do's of the day are looming - fix John's pop tart (thanks Granny Worley for introducing this less-than-stellar breakfast choice), take Salem for her blood work @ 10, get by Target, pick up some orders from the printer (that I haven't prepped for b/c I've been writing), do some actual work, cook some food, start some laundry, get by post office (will prob leave that for Seth), help fix Valentines (saving $$ now has me using real envelopes to send these boogers, ahh - irony, ha), try to stop rolling my eyes so much at the noises overhead (over rolling may be contributing to the headaches) and these are just the things off the top of my head - the real list is on paper in the kitchen :)  I'm smiling at the rigamarole in all the above - they're just the nuances of any given day - how I see them, greet them and go about them, totally up to me - perspective church #101 :)

Saw this Story People as I was sitting thinking of how to get started this morning - God knows what I need to hear & to ever doubt that would be so foolish...

"Real Work"

Every day they jumped up ready to make the future but at night, laying around & laughing & talking was when the real work got done.

 Counting the blessing that my "real work" gets done in spite of me - off to start the day...