Haven't written you a letter in a while & feeling a sudden urge to do so. It's a lil' before 8 & I just put you to bed. Your Deddy's at Bible study so it was just us for after dinner, bath & bedtime tonight. It's not as easy when it's just us two, but I cherish it nonetheless. We cuddled on the couch some & watched your dog movie (101 dalmatians) before heading up for bath. For our time upstairs tonight, I had a moment & put in your Bedtime w.The Beatles CD.
After we'd dried off & said "night night" to the moon out the bathroom window - you said "night night" to all your faves on your picture board. The grandparents are easily your favorites to say "night night" to. Your were such joy tonight as I put on your diaper & lotion. You kept trying to eat your toes, which you thought was hysterical - then you tried to put them in my mouth so I would eat them too (which of course, I did) :) As I put the lotion on your legs you held them straight up & helped rub it in - you are too funny sometimes!
The CD was between songs as I sat down to rock you. Lo and behold, "In My Life" was the next track to play. As I'm looking at your silhouette there in my lap and thinking about the lyrics to that song, I felt the tears burning hot down my cheeks. I stroked your hair & nuzzled as close as I could while watching your lil' toes wiggling out the end of your blanket. At one point I felt your lil' body relax & you take the biggest sigh - I almost said aloud, "be still my heart". Your peace in my lap is a warmth in my heart that I cannot explain.
A lot of thoughts were running through my head while we were rocking. Since there was still a bit of light coming through your blinds I could easily peer around your room. I felt a wave of emotion as I held you a little closer thinking that it wouldn't be your room for very much longer. You may have a felt a slight sob from me as I was listening to that sweet lullaby playing, seeing your feet hanging out the end of the blanket & trying to imagine the tiny baby you were when we first brought you into that room - your room. Then I had another wave of emotion thinking that I made a BIG purchase for you today - your 1st big boy bed! I also got you some really cool dinosaur bedding that I hope you will love. But of course the nostalgia looking around at all the boat & nautical stuff was kinda overwhelming in that moment. I thought about the mobile w.the boats that used to hang over your crib & how much you loved to watch it go round & round. I have to laugh a lil' now thinking about the time I devastated myself by over-winding it & the music was silenced for a short time. That hurt my feelings so bad.
Speaking of hurt feelings - you've hurt mine a lot here lately. Not that you mean to, but you've been kind of a bear & very partial to your Deddy. I know it's your age & I know the sensitive feelings are probably a lot my hormones, but man - the heart's been aching a little. I feel like I'm giving you my best only to get the worst from you sometimes. The caveat of it all, which keeps me from letting it get me too down - you're so my child that it's uncanny. I know the small doses of heartache I feel now pale to the way I know I made my Mama feel sometimes growing up. To console me when I told her about my lil' hurt feelings, she said "well, look how you turned out" to which I replied, "yeah, but that took 30 years!" With each day & phase/change I see you go through, I only appreciate the sanctity of a mother's love more - there is nothing relenting or wavering about it. Not that it's easy, but it's like breathing - it's just what you do.
Moreover, for the heartache I feel sometimes, I also feel overwhelming joy and tears of happiness find their way into almost each & every day. Which is the bigger reason I wanted to write you. I wanted to tell you some of the many things you do that make me smile right now. So, I grabbed the laptop (and a blanket cause it's a lil' cool) & parked it on the back porch to work on my list :) In no particular order - you bring a smile to my face when:
you say my name ~ you sing "moon, moon stars" ~ you help me do the motions to "zacheus" (you're a great climber) ~ you say you want more milk & you go get it out of the fridge ~ you back pedal into the kitchen when unsavory characters come on your movies ~ you share apples w.me - but only if we're sitting side by side ~ you smile ~ you clap & say "Yayyy" ~ you run to my arms ~ you need kisses on both hands when the boo-boo is only on one ~ you love on Salem ~ you say, sometimes holler, "HAYYYY" to strangers & they're usually all too happy to greet & smile back at you ~ you growl like a dinosaur ~ you use your sweet voice & cock your head to ask for a "treat" after dinner ~ you put your clothes in the dirty clothes like a big boy - you're such a good helper ~ you say "night night" to everyone in your pictures ~ you hold my hand ~ you smile & say "hey" to the baby you think lives in my belly button ~ you don't know I'm watching the world through your eyes & nothing short of amazed ~ you stop & pause, listening for birds ~ you laugh your "I know I'm being a ham & they love it" laugh ~ you hold our hands to pray - I don't know who peeks most, you or us ~ you let me rock you & hold you close ~ you concentrate & show remarkable diligence to be so young ~ you exert your independence (while at times frustrating, it makes me so proud) ~ you sit & "read" your books ~ you sit down to color, announcing your color choices - white is for some reason, a favorite :) ~ you "explain" things to us - we don't understand half of what you say, but love to listen nonetheless ~you snuggle your giraffe & stretch out like a big boy when I lay you down (this evokes smiles & tears) ~ your spirit shines through - you are a mirror that shows God's love for us every day...
Well, it's getting kinda cool here on the porch - I see my breath as I'm typing. I know you won't read this any time soon, but it's certainly written for you. And one day when you do read all my ramblings, certain truths will still stand. I am incredibly proud of you & thank God for your presence in my life every day. You help me be the person I'm meant to be (you & your Deddy both). I learn so much from you about facets of life I didn't know existed before you. And I guess the biggest thing to leave you w.is no matter how we may disappoint, hurt or frustrate each other now or when your grown - know that my arms & heart will always have a place just for you, no matter what. I love you more than those "moon, moon stars" you love to sing about.
All my heart <3,>
Mama
~ In my life I love you more ~
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