Nothing to say...

He really doesn't have that much to say, she told me, so don't get him started.

...borrowing from the sentiment of this Story People, trying my best not to get started right now.  Asking God to quiet my racing thoughts and help me find stillness in thought & action.  Trying to quiet all the "noise" so His voice can ring loud above.

Truth be told, I'm kinda stuck in a moment (for lack of better words) that has rendered me a little beside myself lately - gonna share some tidbits that have helped me keep perspective, know how to pray, allowed a lil' "woe is me" here & there and provided integral laughs...

This prayer from the Moravian daily text - on heavy rotation right now...

Our Lord and our God, forgive us when we turn away from you to a place
that is comfortable and predictable. Give us the strength and desire to
embrace change and the unknown as we follow you. Amen.

Story People - Vale of Tears 

collecting little mementos to prove her theory that this is a vale of tears &

my advice is you damn well better stay out of her way 

Another SP - Face the Day

My eyes only see stuff I believe in already, she said. I couldn't face the day otherwise.

Following from that sentiment - a quote from Holly Gerth

When life gets hard the lies get loud.
But in the middle of all the noise, there is still what’s true.

John's turkey recipe...this one's a laugh :)

 

Perfectly Anxious - another SP

(the truth in this one's hard to swallow - insert big "dammit")

missing a perfectly good day because she's sure that she should be anxious about something

A good kiss my a** SP, if you will :)

Today she decided to be suitably ambiguous, so you can think whatever you like about her (Amount of time scheduled for the opinions of others = Zero)

Reminders of how mighty my God is...

The Lord appoints the sun to shine by day, decrees the moon and stars to
shine by night, stirs up the sea so that its waves roar.
Jeremiah 31:35 (NIV)

The "warm blanket" around my heart - simply, truly and really...

Christ is our peace. Ephesians 2:14

Hearing my own "advice" ringing back in my ears (eating words = painful)

there's no way we can be living for Him & enjoy the fullness of His blessings if we're spending tons of energy worrying about other people.  

 Had a laugh w.Seth on our jaunt to Winston for Thanksgiving.  In reference of the life being "like a railroad" model.  Telling him the tracks felt like they were getting "steep" (he laughed - he's more of a hills & valleys kinda guy).  But next breath, I had to maintain - "Nope, I still say railroad - even when something feels the worst, it's all about perspective.  Just because that's taking the focus, doesn't mean there's not even more good & blessings to be counted on the other side."  In the midst of the seeming worst (rolling my eyes at the melodrama infused in use of "worst") - the bad seems to be consuming, but it's because it's stealing our attention from enjoying the aforementioned "fullness" of God's blessings.  Yeah, I'm "noting to self" on all this.  And just b/c I know the seemingly right answer, I'm still beating myself up over not being able to "mind over matter" right now.

But, here's where God's grace/mercy intervenes, showing me - bigger picture, silver lining, lighter side of the track :)...I may not be able to control my thoughts, emotions

 or tendency to "leak" on a dime right now...but I have this:

(deep sigh)

These 3 - showing me that God is keeping me close.  Feeling His love & faithfulness in the listening ears & comforting arms of the best friend, life partner and all-time ally he gave me in Seth.  Feeling Him when there's breaks in John's "trying 3's" and he squeezes me in a bear hug, the joy heard in his ringing laughter and in his constant singing of all the Christmas songs they're learning at school.  God's nudging my heart with each note ringing out from our lil' songbird.  And finally, my Ella Bella - girl, you are mama's sunshine through & through right now.  The warmth of your smile, your laugh, your running embrace, all your B-i-b-l-e'ing - words kinda fail me.  Thanking God for these saving graces...

(more sighs)

That's really all I have today.  This one's more for "the book".  At some point in the future, I will look back at this and have the perspective to know it was all for a reason.  Where I will have that "a-ha moment" - one more borrowed quote (don't know the source) to convey this sentiment...

Someday everything will make perfect sense.  

So, for now, laugh at the confusion,

smile through the tears 

and keep reminding yourself that 

everything happens for a reason.

......

Thanksgiving early - a lil' crow on the menu :)

Happy WACDD...can't say it's much like one yet, but the day is still young :)  Been knee-deep in s*&* today thus far.  Ella Bella's got a schnasty (that's worse than nasty) stomach bug that found her directly deposited in the tub when she 1st got up - rude awakening for us both.  Been laundering, lysoling, cloroxing as fast as I can behind the trail of schnastiness.  The poop monster's down for a lil' morning siesta, so prayin' we'll see a turn around in the next lil' bit or more daytime baths may be on the horizon.


So I'm not blogging to talk about poop :)  Actually I didn't finish my entry from yesterday so thought I'd tie a loose end or two.  Got my coffee steaming in front of me, logs burning & Etta singin' "Misty Blue" woefully in the background - a "life is good" moment amidst the chaos of the morning thus far.  If you dare, read on below - it's a long one and a lot of "wringin' out"...consider yourself warned :)

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(warning: stream of consciousness to follow)


Sitting here in disbelief that we're a mere week out from Thanksgiving.  This time next week, we'll likely have our bellies full & finally be settling down, babies (hopefully) down for their afternoon naps.  Like everything else, the holiday season feels a little thrust upon us b/c time is speeding up (at least it feels like it is).  I readily confess feelings of unpreparedness.  Worrisome thoughts of gift lists, decorations, travel plans, gatherings with friends and family...feels like I have a stock ticker running along the bottom of my mind's "screen" with all that's on the horizon.  We just marked the calendar with new plans on our only "free" weekend till after Christmas and I'm ok with that - more than ok, I think I'm glad (shock, gasp).  

That preparedness I speak of lacking - I think I'm giving myself a break this year on ALL OF IT.  Those worrisome thoughts - I'm working on setting them down.  I'm reveling a little (rather than panicking) at the blessing of a full calendar b/c I know the time shared and memories made are the point of it all.  Receiving the blessings rather than spending time in preparation...AKA, gettin' oh-so-lost in the details, the STUFF.

I find myself looking around when I'm out & about with disdain at all the Christmas hoopla I'm seeing.  I call it hoopla b/c we're not even through Thanksgiving and it looks like Christmas is tomorrow with the displays of decorations - the perceived urgency perpetuated by "shopping days until".  Like we're somehow gonna miss the boat if we don't act now.

Well, eating my portion of crow b/c I feel like I've been one to almost watch that boat sail by in years past.  Usually jumping on just in time for those final days - making sure I can fill my heart with a little joy & peace right there at the crux of things.  Putting up a Macy's Parade worth of decorations, worrying over Christmas lists, planning & more planning.  I know it will be a work in progress, but I'm hoping to make great strides in this flagship year of scaling back.  Trying to live out my beliefs - reflect those values instead of what I see around me.  Gravitate away from the "stuff" and more to the moments.   

I had already decided to put out less Christmas decorations b/c lil' Miss would likely be into everything, but I think in my heart I'm welcoming that excuse to scale back.  I hope that will perpetuate beyond this year.  That whatever I do decide to put out will be for the joy of decorating, the meaning & not just upping the "pretty."


Why the need to say all this - probably because I have a lil' fear in me.  Fear that I will continue to do what I've always done just b/c I've always done it.  Adding to, rather than evaluating the already.  Deciding whether or not it still holds meaning and making a choice.  Goes back to that concept of intentional living - acting with purpose rather than just existing or going through the motions.  Making choices for John & Ella w.hopes that their memories of growing up will be filled with meaningful traditions - those lil' events and particulars that will emerge and evolve in the years to come.  I'm not searching for anything grandiose, but more noticing the treasures found in the everyday - some sentimental moments & momentos here & there.  Those little things than will bring a smile to their face or warm their hearts when they recall it years from now.  I think that's what I seek most.  Back to that quote about "little things, little moments - they aren't little" - yep, oceans of truth in that.


There will still be presents, there will still be decorations - I'm not condemning those things.  What I'm trying to get away from is the perceived urgency and misplaced focus they can manifest.  The way that urgency can make things that don't matter as much feel consuming.  The way losing sight of what's importatnt can steal the heart's joy & desire to give & celebrate.  Yada, yada, yada - just trying a less is more approach this year...wish me luck :)


Nice segueway into my early Thanksgiving-ning...


Trying to clear out my thoughts and open my heart right now about a lot of things.  Alluding to that breakneck pace I'm constantly harping on (yeah, like everyone else has 30 hrs in a day), I'm learning, or rather by God's amazing grace, I'm being taught to take the time each day with any available moment to "wring out".  To laugh, to cry, to pray, to shout, to sing...whatever the moment calls for, being ready to submit to it.  Receiving rather than always preparing - planning less & living more.  Being thankful that I'm not called to be anymore than I am and that with faith I will always be enough, have enough & find ways (big and small) to share with others.


I find myself constantly thinking about Rick Warren's "life's like a railroad" analogy.  It never gets old & is so relative...

I used to think that life was hills and valleys – you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

There's so much truth in all of that.  And it doesn't sugarcoat the flow of life.  How frightening to live life between hills & valleys - I like the balance of a railroad much better.  I can get my mind around that.  It gives me reason to count my blessings, to pray for myself & others, to find hope and to actively seek the good. 

So, I'm actively trying to get "there" - being present for what's always been the stepping stone to Christmas.  Thanksgiving being the humble sister holiday to all the flash & fun of Christmas.  The older I get, the more I like humble.  The older I get, the more I appreciate the idea that "less is more."  Thanksgiving becoming the culmination day for celebrating a way of life - one that includes trying to live humbly and with a thankful heart for my many blessings.  Facing the realization that if my heart isn't thankful, there's no way I can really even began to "prepare" to receive the blessing of Christmas.  All the outward preparedness in the world won't get me ready for that...


What a blessed past weekend to get my heart in a thankful way.  Celebrating our nephews Tanner (7) & Griffin's (2) birthdays!  Also celebrating Shannon's birthday - I don't guess it's as appropriate to list her age :)  The joy in seeing these babies grow into toddlers & full fledged little boys...just amazing.  The joy in having a sister that I only grow to love and appreciate more & more...again, just amazing.  Celebrating their lives - a blessing.  All of these fall birthdays (with still more to come) - good "nudges" to get the heart open...


And I guess that's the larger point of all my "rambling"...still working on finding grace, but add to the list of things being searched for at this time in my life - a more open heart & mind.  Less thinking, less planning - more living.  Taking the day as it comes and embracing it.  The joys, the disappointments - taking all of it and actively seeking the blessings and the lessons.  Keeping steady on this railroad of life - giving thanks that if I can get out of my own way, God will faithfully and graciously conduct my "train."

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That's all I got this morning.  Gonna refresh my coffee & enjoy this peace and pray that the day will get less "poopy"...

Yesterday's Story People - right on target :)

We're already in the new age, she said to me. What does that mean? I said & she laughed. It means you can stop waiting & start living, she said, but after she left I waited a little while more just to be safe.

Happy weekend...

Seeking pools of light...

My favorite time of day is just at dark when all thoughts of what must be done stop & small pools of light come alive on tired faces everywhere. 

~ Story People

...sigh...deeper sigh...

There is a quiet that befalls our house each night about 8pm.  On a weeknight, this usually means that marathon that initiates around 5pm and runs steady & fast straight through has been completed.  And if there are "t's uncrossed" (aka chores to be done), they are done with an undistracted, eery calm.  That quiet after the storm :)

I always like to use the sponge reference, and keeping with that...there's not much time for wringin' out right now.  There's not a pause button, there's not time to thoughtfully savor the moments.  There is time/opportunity to hold fast.  Life's more like a spin cycle right now.  Wikipedia offers this about spin cycles:  At the end of the cycle, washing machines spin the load at a high speed to remove most of the water and quicken and ease the drying process.  

Yep, that's a pretty accurate analogy by most accounts :)  Someday's we feel buried under the above pace, but we're becoming better at allowing this time to be just what it is.  Constantly looking at each other smiling, acknowledging, "we're gonna miss this one day" - to which we just laugh at right now - that thought seems pretty far/away.

And the little reflections we see projecting in front of us are stark reminders of how fleeting the little moments are.  Be it what they say (or babble in lil' miss's case), what they do, how they erupt in laughter or fall apart in despair (my eyes roll slightly at that) - a dull moment is not to be found.  And sometimes I'd give anything to be able to capture each word muttered, each song sung, each dancing jig, each chorus of laughter - to commit it to memory, to open a jar & trap it inside, to hold on to it forever.  But I can't do any of that & sometimes it breaks my heart.  In the very next breath, I do find peace in knowing it's is God's way of teaching me to be present, to soak my "sponge" even if it all gets tossed in that damn spin cycle rather than the slow, savory twist of the hand to get it all wrung out :)

Next to that jar of sunshine, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that we'd equally fill a jar of cloud/rain sometimes.  One that we'd seal up and throw to the farthest ends of the earth.  Sometimes that jar nudges (or knocks over completely) all that sunshine.  Those cloud/rain moments are usually found when we've repeated ourselves 10 times, either giving an instruction (that must be coming out in a foreign language) or have tried in vain to utter a complete thought to each other amidst all the "joyful noise".  If there were a jar collecting dollars for every time we yell the words "I can't hear you over (insert whatever 'joyful noise' being made by equally 'joyful child')!" we'd have probably switched to a gallon bucket by now :)

And it's not just those challenging moments with John & Ella that would fill that gloomy jar.  Seth and I bring our fair share of "mess" to days/moments here & there.  And if being honest (though it doesn't cast me in my best light), I contribute more "mess" than he does to the jar.  But I'm ok with that and know when/where to say my sorry's and thank you's.  And in my often repeated defense, "I'm worth it!".  Ha, he lets me believe I am, so I can live with that :) 

And in the moments where life just brings clouds that hide the sunshine...they make us most sad b/c we know they take away from doing what we should - counting our blessings and living in the moment.  And when moments pass and we haven't done what we should, been the people we meant to be, said what needed to be said or conversely put our tongue in action before our thoughts, or maybe (mostly in my case) we continue to beat on that poor old dead horse...as if pummeling him enough will somehow breathe life into him, resurrecting him in all our "rightness" - I laugh as I write this.  I can honestly say in MOST cases that the older I get, I seek less to be right and more just to be in peace...the 1st doesn't get the latter, HARDLY EVER (life lesson #108).

The above also rings true in the tireless repetition we find ourselves in w.the babies.  No, John doesn't understand WHY we need to leave at a certain time and he will illustrate this by going back inside for an animal to ride w.him in the car, or spinning around three times in the driveway when you want him to get in the car or insisting on some other seemingly non-sensical caveat to him being able to go.  No, 3 year old, wonderfully curious tenacious lil' John - he doesn't understand a lot of WHY.  But he will hug you like a bear, try to make you laugh, get excited as you pass a field or a beautiful tree whose leaves have yet to fall.  He may not always get the WHY, but he gets IT :)


And oh my lil' Ella Bella - tenacity sure runs deep in our house.  Her cheerful "nahs?!" to our adamant "NO's", her insistence on climbing on anything/everything - simply to turn back and smile - making sure you're noticing her, or all her jabbering/singing at more than sufficiently audible levels, her little wily ways of making sure she's at the center of it all - yeah, if she keeps on this path she'll get IT too :)

That's the convergence of all that we think we know versus all that being their parents is teaching us.  It's an amazing juxtaposition between us & them.  It's very much our job to teach them, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the bigger lessons and truths about life seldom come from us.  Nope, they're more from these lil' beings evolving right there at our feet.  Their sunshine, their laughter, their tenacity, their fears, their joys, their innocence...

I get Matthew 18:3 And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I learn a little more every day the depth & truth in that scripture.  I also appreciate the challenge it presents.  Being the parent, yet making/desiring your heart be as pure and joyful as their's...stopping for that flower, noticing a bird fly by, singing b/c it brings you joy, trying to make someone laugh/smile - yes God, please make my heart like that of my children :)  Please slow me down, close my mouth, open my ears - my heart - my arms to embracing these lil' teachers you've put in my life.

Moreover, thank you to my babies - thank you for being our lil' sunshine's even when you're not.  In those moments after your lil' heads are resting soundly in your bed - know that if we're not talking about you, reveling in some way you made us laugh - we're likely watching a video or looking at a picture of you.  All the while shaking our heads, wearing these knowing grins - how full you make our hearts, our lives, our homes - words fail to convey.

So, those "pools of light" - they're more like basking in the glow...the blessing of today, the hope for tomorrow and all the joys and challenges of living the in between.

Following from this stream of consciousness...a Monday spin cycle, if you will :)

Here's some tidbits from the conceptual "jar" - a few things captured...make sure & pause the player :)