Stream of consciousness...full consciousness

she tapped her fingers and nothing happened & she thought she had lost her magic but it had only changed & it took her a while to figure it out...

That was today's Story People, "Magic."  I like the progression it illustrates from doing what you've always done to realizing things change and then moving forward different/better because of it.  At least that's my interpretation :)

The above theme could be the by and large anthem of the year.  2012 has certainly been a banner year if there ever was one - we still have a month and a half to go, too!

Recapping - job left, business started, leading my 1st small group, house for sale, house sold and losing a cornerstone of my childhood.  Backing up, yes I said house sold.  I can't believe it either.  Still trying to get my mind around it.  Still trying to absorb that we could be in for another banner year of moving to a different town, leaving behind all that's become "home" in the last 8 years or so, John starting kindergarten and only God knows what else.  That last part's what I'm clinging to though - "only God knows".  Truth is, He's the only one that's known all along.  I've learned a lot in the last year about what I thought I knew, the things/people of this world I put faith in and the overall fleeting nature of it all.  I've learned to put myself in the passenger's seat and let go.  And I mean, really let go.  To put that in perspective, I think Seth's an aggressive driver, but that in no way prepared me for how "all over the road" I feel God can be in the driver's seat :)  Seth often tells me when we're on a road trip to "just close/rest my eyes" - it's his nice way of saying stop "helping" me drive.  I try not to blink with Seth but with God "driving", I'm learning to close my eyes and trust.  With all that's happened and all that's on the horizon, I would go crazy if I tried to "help" drive things at this point.  But, I'm actually ok with closing my eyes and trusting - surprisingly so :)

It's funny too (not funny but I don't have a better word) how I can feel the overwhelming (again, not a better word) well up inside when these big life events unfold.  Physically, it manifest in throat lumps, eye sweat and borderline hyperventilating.  In defense, I've learned to unleash my "arsenal" in these moments.  The scriptures that like a childhood Sunday school lesson have now been etched in my heart and mind to combat the overwhelming.  Off the top of my head, the big ones - James 1:2-4, to the tune of welcoming adversity - "counting it joy" - building strength & perseverance b/c of it; Matthew 5:16 "let your light shine" - trying to be the bright spot; the bees knees of the go-to verses, the steadfast Jeremiah 29:11 - resting that he "knows the plans" & that it includes "future" and "hope" - what more promises could I ask for than that?!  At 32 years old, I've finally found the solace of scripture and truly seeking and receiving God's promises through them.  The beauty in that, it doesn't change - unlike things/people of the world, His word, love & promises - they don't change.

Following from that and thoughts of changes, Seth & I were talking last night and we found solace thinking of a sentiment that we clung to when all the drama was unfolding in my job.  That regardless of what was happening and what would/could happen - it wouldn't change ANYTHING that truly mattered.  No, that's not to minimize the heartache, the pain, the general pissed offness at how unfair life can be BUT it was more to see beyond that to the blessings we have in each other.  That through it all, our cling-to's of the people we love & that love us would remain and the grace and mercy in that is knowing and counting on those blessings to pull you through the hard days.  

And speaking of blessings, especially those lil' ones - well, I just have to shake my head proudly at those.  Yesterday morning we went to their dr for the flu clinic for all 4 of us to get shots.  As we're waiting in the lobby, John & Ella were busy with the fish tank.  Climbing all over each other, talking to the fish, knocking on the glass (the 7 times told to not do that, completely ignored) while Seth & I were filling out the paperwork and looking googly eyed at a lil' precious across the room.  Her mom said she was 10 mos and we just kinda sighed at all her adorableness and chubbiness.  We remember having babies that small - those memories feel like they get further and further away.  We then turn and look at our 2 monkeys commenting how we're now "that family" at the dr's office.  Ours aren't being brought in strapped in car seats or perched on our hips.  Just like some of the aforementioned - time is also fleeting.  Marinating in moments so that you can saturate yourself in memories later - highly advised (big ol' sighs). 

One further note on the flu shots (for the book) is the order we went to get them.  On second thought, Seth suggested Ella go before John and boy was that a good call :).  She said "owww" and started to well up but quickly got over it when we stuck a dum dum in her hand and was fine.  John on the other hand, once Seth had him bear hugged where he couldn't move, wailed like he had a limb removed (oh the melodrama).  I couldn't help but be a lil' amused at him falling apart while Lucy sat there sucking on her lollipop :)

What else since this is stream of consciousness :)  Had to pause a minute ago - Yankee Candle sent out a sale notice - $1 tarts/votives...gets me every time.  I truly believe that a home should smell like apple cider pumpkin pie fall leaves christmas wreath holidays be thankful cranberry chutney at all times, so thank you Yankee Candle for $1 days!  Seth will roll his eyes at that, but he'd be lying if he didn't admit how cozy their candles make the house smell.  When you can smell "cozy" that's impressive - ha!  Y. Candle should throw in a few extra tarts or a bonus pillar for that awesome plug :)

We sold our dining room set last night.  I texted my mom shortly after - commenting on how bittersweet that was.  I followed that with another text about the whole year being bittersweet.  Fleeting things, letting go - add to the list.  It did give me peace that Seth talked about how carefully the lady and her family loaded it all up to protect it during transport and how she went on & on about how much she looked forward to using it, especially at Thanksgiving.  How could I not find contentedness in that (sigh).

Now our garage looks even more thinned out.  Last weekend found Seth emptying all the contents and rearranging - some stuff was boxed, some donated, some trashed.  It doesn't even look like our garage anymore.  The reality is that 3 weeks from today, we'll be spending our last night in this house.  Wow, just paused and re-read that - that's a big reality. 

We'll go from here to a 3 bedroom apt in Garner while Seth looks for a job closer to Winston.  Although it's hard to fathom leaving our home and downsizing to an apartment, there's a lil' excitement in it to be honest.  Setting down the responsibility of a home (the care/cleaning/maintenance), the closer quarters and the overall simplifying is a welcomed change.  I will save all that I'm going to miss about our home for a later post but this apartment will be the 4th place Seth & I have lived together - there have been happy memories at each place so we don't anticipate this being any different.  Making the most is forefront in our minds :)

Just moved to the kitchen table & taking in the view outside the windows is amazing as always.  I'm sure I'll cover this fully in my "farewell home" post but I guess it will just be redundant when I talk about how I love feeling like I'm in a tree-house when I see the backdrop of trees everywhere I look.  How it's almost majestic the way the leaves rustle in the breeze and the sunlight that filters through looks like ripples of water everywhere it touches.  Serenity - no better word.  I find solace in knowing that we have "taken the view" in this home inside and out, over and over again - it has never been lost on us (peaceful sigh).

A glimpse of "amazing"

So, floods of things going on, I could sit & write for days. 

I like to look back on this blog to see where I've been compared to where I'm at & dream about where I'm headed.  November of last year, I wrote this in my Thanksgiving Early post -

...still working on finding grace, but add to the list of things being searched for at this time in my life - a more open heart & mind.  Less thinking, less planning - more living.  Taking the day as it comes and embracing it.  The joys, the disappointments - taking all of it and actively seeking the blessings and the lessons.  Keeping steady on this railroad of life - giving thanks that if I can get out of my own way, God will faithfully and graciously conduct my "train."

I guess me & God are still on the train - maybe I'm in the seat behind him rather than riding passenger beside him.  That's ok - I can just rest my eyes, or enjoy the view out the window.  The track is steady, straddling life's joys & sorrows but I know we won't derail - we'll just take the day as it comes, faithful & steady.  I'm glad He's conducting my train...

Today's prayer from the Moravian daily text -
Jesus, we put all of our eggs in your basket, all our trust in you because we know you love us. Help us to live a life that shows we always trust in you. Amen.
 
Amen & Happy Friday ~ have a blessed weekend :)